construct
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 19, 2009
- Messages
- 146
2C-T-7 (26mg) and Ketamine (various doses) - Inexperienced - Learning Reality Anew
Substances:
2C-T-7: 26mg
Ketamine: approximately 400mg administered IM throughout the evening(s)
MXE: approximately 100mg insufflated
Diazepam: approximately 40mg (upon reflection it may have been far more than this; next time I trip with a benzodiazepine, I will only have a small amount with me and give the rest to a friend. It is far too easy for me to ingest way more than I should while I am inebriated.)
Brief Background
For the last few weeks prior to this experience I have been doing some experimenting with ketamine and MXE. I had not taken a serotenergic psychedelic in two years. However, I have recently been in a (more or less) better place in my life and decided it was time for a psychedelic experience. As the intention for my trip, I wanted to continue working on loving myself, accepting myself and my weird and eccentric tendencies, and trying to be a more open and less private person. For the most part, these intentions were forgotten during the experience, but I did gain a number of other positive insights and I think I ultimately am a bit more open after the experience.
I have recently been in a period of minor depression and general creative stagnation, and I think that explains my excessive use of ketamine and MXE towards the end of the experience. Excessive use of these drugs is not a road I wish to go down and I am going to curb my use of them to a minimum (not to mention the diazepam). They are seductive and delusive, as I am sure many here know. However, my first ketamine experience on 2C-T-7 was truly incredible and I achieved a state of consciousness that I have never encountered before. It was totally sublime and strange. I will describe it in a moment; first I will go through the timeline of the trip (at least until I stopped taking notes, which was rather early on in the trip).
Report
+0:00 (1:42pm)
26mg 2C-T-7 taken orally.
+0:18
Some first alerts. Notes from my journal: coming up a bit; feel a little restless and stimulated. Somewhat easily distracted, but clearheaded. Events feel auspicious and positive. Going to meditate for half an hour. I will not open my eyes and I will see how reality changes.
I had an insight during meditation regarding my lack of confidence and my reluctance to gain confidence because I fear it will alter characteristics of mine that I value—characteristics such as compassion, kindness, and gentleness—that I find to be in conflict with confident behavior. However, this is absurd—when I gain confidence, I won’t lose a part of myself; I will unlock a part of myself. There does not exist a conflict. A mundane insight, but something I needed to realize.
+0:58
Done meditating. No visuals yet, but colors are brighter and more vivid. Tactile sensation is more sensitive and pleasant than usual. Some nausea has been flaring up; I just took two antacids. I will vomit instead of fighting it if the need arises, although preferably my roommate will be gone by that point (he was getting ready to leave for work at that moment). As it turns out, I did not need to vomit.
Minor observation at this point: the human condition is odd because we, as individuals, cannot observe ourselves from the outside. Everything we know about ourselves is ultimately internal, whereas all other information—held by other observers—is external to our viewpoints. This is probably where language comes in, but as we all know, language is not always genuine and cannot explain our entire experience. (Or perhaps, as the philosopher Donald Davidson held, all meaning is in fact public and an omnipotent external observer could, in principle, decipher all the meaning that another individual possesses, and, because of this, all internal information can be conveyed through language. If something cannot be communicated through language, it is meaningless. However I am not ready to commit myself to this conclusion [nor do I understand it completely]. But I digress).
+1:16
Visuals are increasing. Currently feeling a little tense. Wind is picking up and that seems a little foreboding. I would like to be a bit more open in my relationships with others, but I have some anxiety issues to deal with. Right now, however, I can attribute the anxiety to coming up on a psychedelic. While my roommate was getting ready for work, it was interesting how I was subconsciously trying to relate to him before tripping because I have been wanting to deepen my relationship with him, and the lack of my relationship with him was something that was weighing on me during recent ketamine and MXE experiences.
At this point, I stop recording in my journal. I am beginning to trip quite hard. My heartbeat is elevated and I am nervous for my health because of 2C-T-7’s somewhat negative reputation. But I remind myself that the deaths were insufflated or combined with a serotonin releaser and that I was just being a hypochondriac. I relaxed at this point. I put in some ear plugs and attempted to navigate the inner space. I heard strange frequencies in my mind; frequencies that sound like what I might associate with aliens and their technology. I could see how excessive psychedelic use could indeed put people of a certain temperament into contact with “alien life”. My personal opinion is that we are witnessing a creative force that is beyond our ability to comprehend, and we attempt to comprehend it by giving it a name. Sometimes the frequencies were too intense and I had to open my eyes and come back into contact with reality. The frequencies were similar to the “brain zaps” I had while coming off of SSRIs. The frequencies very much reminded me of sounds and feelings I had when I was a child and was terrified of aliens. Overall, it was quite reminiscent of experiences I have had on DMT; even the color scheme, mostly dominated by light green, yellow, and black, was similar.
I am now in the peak. I think of my most recent love interest and how I mythologize her, even though I haven’t seen her in more than a year. This is a problem I have. I reserve a place in my psyche for an ideal female that I know I cannot attain. I am attracted to what can never be mine, and I would be willing to wager that this is a very common thing with humans (although I may be a bit more romantic/less realistic than most). I then realized it is a huge cosmic joke—she is also in love with a man whom she cannot have (as far as I know at least; this is actually pure speculation. Maybe they are still together and happy. Maybe these are more romantic tendencies flaring up). Then I realized that this is exactly what tragedy in literature and theater is: the desire for something that you cannot have. A banal realization—one that I would have been aware of intellectually while sober—but a visceral and immediate one. Afterwards, I thought of their visit to my house last summer and how awkward it was. A typical love triangle. However, as I reflected on the situation, I reached a peak experience wherein all of those tensions were eliminated; the visuals in the peak experience were reminiscent of the aforementioned alien colors and it was like the climax of a menage a trois occurred in my mind. Very therapeutic. Admittedly, I felt as if this novel mindstate was being probed or analyzed by an alien presence, although I remain skeptical.
I thought of another love interest: a beautiful professor at my school who is a sort of mentor. She is a philosophy professor specializing in ethics, and she serves as a sort of moral and law-giving role model. I suspect that this is how I viewed my mother when I was a child. I suppose I am also attracted to powerful females because I am a rather indecisive and weak-willed male. Anyway, the pupil-teacher relationship, even with teachers I am not attracted to, is interesting and is something I have thought deeply on before in the past. But, again, I digress.
I also had some thoughts about popular culture as the mythology of our time and the role of the internet in shaping our psyches and identities. I have been watching 30 Rock a lot lately, and a lot of the humor from that show was a theme for the trip. However, I noticed something disgusting as well. I am a white suburban male. I would certainly characterize myself as open to all races and a firm supporter of equality. However, during the trip, my mind would constantly speak in stereotypical voices: black personalities, Hispanic personalities, and gay personalities (to be fair, white personalities were included as well). This was disturbing to me. Why was my mind doing this when I had no control over it? Why do I think that racial stereotypes are funny? Why is race funny when I am completely not racist (or so I would like to think) while sober? I use the 30 Rock example because I was constantly saying things in a black voice that was reminiscent of Tracy Morgan’s character. 30 Rock plays with race in a funny and smart way, but why was my mind talking in this way? I know that Tracy Morgan is playing a character and that it does not reflect who Tracy Morgan is in real life. This was disconcerting and it is something I have to further analyze. Maybe I'm taking this too seriously and have a poor sense of humor.
+4:00 (approx.)
About four hours after I took the 2C-T-7 (6:00pm), I decided it was time to inject some ketamine. This was the cause of much trepidation and general distraction, because I don’t actually know that much about needles and injection. Anyway, I took an alcohol swab and sterilized my thigh and then cleaned the vial. It took me probably five minutes to measure out the dose because I was tripping so hard. I put in about 80ml. The first injection I thought I hit a vein; I hallucinated blood spurting out and thought that the ketamine already hit me and I was tripping super hard. Of course, in reality, no such thing happened and the ketamine was still in the syringe. I did it again and slowly pulled the plunger.
I lay back and the ketamine hit me hard. I then proceeded to undergo one of the strangest mindstates I have ever been in. My ego was slowly dissolved and I felt my sense of self become simply eliminated. I then witnessed the creation of the universe. Everything seemed backwards and in reverse and my imagination was having the strangest time of it all. I saw the most tripped out images that were similar to street art. One significant part occurred when I felt an absolute connection with the universe and felt the true significance and weight of the phrase tat tvam asi—that thou art. Profound and incredible. During that state my vision was what I might imagine a spider's vision to be like. I was seeing multiple viewpoints of the same environment simultaneously. I also felt that I was in a realm of playfulness where I was learning everything over again. I was God after She created the universe and I was interacting with it and playing with it and finding out what it was all about. I was relearning everything. I was at the center of what was either a molecule or a solar system (or both) and it was as if I could reach out and touch the small spheres that were orbiting me. These visuals had a transdimensional depth to them that was unreal and that I had only experienced once before on 2C-E to a far smaller degree.
I also felt the sort of wisdom that I associate with Alexander and Ann Shulgin and Albert Hofmann; a sense of wonder at and ease in the world even at an advanced age. A lack of ennui. I transcended gender and I was both male and female at once. This was liberating because sometimes on psychedelics I feel that I might be gay; however, I felt a perfect balance between my masculine and feminine qualities. An activation of the Self archetype as Jung might say. I then saw myself pass through a uterus and become born again. I also saw a representation of my family in which each of us was an organ. In order for the system to stay healthy, we each had to do our part; otherwise the system would fail. I also had the most incredible synthesia experience. I have had synthesia on other psychedelics, but this had a profundity that surpassed those other experiences. It was multifaceted and had many dimensions; it is hard for me to conceive of it while sober. The end of the experience was totally satisfying; it was as if I shared an orgasm with the universe. My breathing was hearty and deep.
The rest of the night devolved into pure hedonism. I took about 300ml (300mg) of ketamine in three separate injections, 100mg of MXE, and about 40mg of diazepam (it may have been more...I do not know). It is not something I wish to repeat. I am going to be more careful with those drugs; they are very seductive and I did not gain any insights from them, at least when I used them together and in excess. I have given them to a friend for a week so that I can clear my mind. I also attempted to smoke DMT, but my method was off and I was not close to breaking through. Had I not been on so much diazepam, I would not have tried to smoke DMT, but I was feeling…brave. However, I remember the DMT bringing back some transdimensional visuals. I fell asleep at around 3:00am, which was around the twelve hour mark. (It turns out that this is not true; I actually completely lost a day in a diazepam-induced blackout. I started tripping on Friday and I thought I woke up on Saturday, but it was actually Sunday. I was apparently cognizant on Saturday; I sent a few emails and texts that were coherent, but then I started doing ketamine again later that evening [I think]. It was a mindfuck trying to put things back together, and I will be far more careful with diazepam in the future. I am a bit ashamed that I was so reckless and I feel fortunate that my respiration was not depressed in a potentially harmful way.). I look forward to combining ketamine with other psychedelics (within reasonable doses) again.
Thank you so much for reading and may you and your family and friends be blessed in all areas of life.
Substances:
2C-T-7: 26mg
Ketamine: approximately 400mg administered IM throughout the evening(s)
MXE: approximately 100mg insufflated
Diazepam: approximately 40mg (upon reflection it may have been far more than this; next time I trip with a benzodiazepine, I will only have a small amount with me and give the rest to a friend. It is far too easy for me to ingest way more than I should while I am inebriated.)
Brief Background
For the last few weeks prior to this experience I have been doing some experimenting with ketamine and MXE. I had not taken a serotenergic psychedelic in two years. However, I have recently been in a (more or less) better place in my life and decided it was time for a psychedelic experience. As the intention for my trip, I wanted to continue working on loving myself, accepting myself and my weird and eccentric tendencies, and trying to be a more open and less private person. For the most part, these intentions were forgotten during the experience, but I did gain a number of other positive insights and I think I ultimately am a bit more open after the experience.
I have recently been in a period of minor depression and general creative stagnation, and I think that explains my excessive use of ketamine and MXE towards the end of the experience. Excessive use of these drugs is not a road I wish to go down and I am going to curb my use of them to a minimum (not to mention the diazepam). They are seductive and delusive, as I am sure many here know. However, my first ketamine experience on 2C-T-7 was truly incredible and I achieved a state of consciousness that I have never encountered before. It was totally sublime and strange. I will describe it in a moment; first I will go through the timeline of the trip (at least until I stopped taking notes, which was rather early on in the trip).
Report
+0:00 (1:42pm)
26mg 2C-T-7 taken orally.
+0:18
Some first alerts. Notes from my journal: coming up a bit; feel a little restless and stimulated. Somewhat easily distracted, but clearheaded. Events feel auspicious and positive. Going to meditate for half an hour. I will not open my eyes and I will see how reality changes.
I had an insight during meditation regarding my lack of confidence and my reluctance to gain confidence because I fear it will alter characteristics of mine that I value—characteristics such as compassion, kindness, and gentleness—that I find to be in conflict with confident behavior. However, this is absurd—when I gain confidence, I won’t lose a part of myself; I will unlock a part of myself. There does not exist a conflict. A mundane insight, but something I needed to realize.
+0:58
Done meditating. No visuals yet, but colors are brighter and more vivid. Tactile sensation is more sensitive and pleasant than usual. Some nausea has been flaring up; I just took two antacids. I will vomit instead of fighting it if the need arises, although preferably my roommate will be gone by that point (he was getting ready to leave for work at that moment). As it turns out, I did not need to vomit.
Minor observation at this point: the human condition is odd because we, as individuals, cannot observe ourselves from the outside. Everything we know about ourselves is ultimately internal, whereas all other information—held by other observers—is external to our viewpoints. This is probably where language comes in, but as we all know, language is not always genuine and cannot explain our entire experience. (Or perhaps, as the philosopher Donald Davidson held, all meaning is in fact public and an omnipotent external observer could, in principle, decipher all the meaning that another individual possesses, and, because of this, all internal information can be conveyed through language. If something cannot be communicated through language, it is meaningless. However I am not ready to commit myself to this conclusion [nor do I understand it completely]. But I digress).
+1:16
Visuals are increasing. Currently feeling a little tense. Wind is picking up and that seems a little foreboding. I would like to be a bit more open in my relationships with others, but I have some anxiety issues to deal with. Right now, however, I can attribute the anxiety to coming up on a psychedelic. While my roommate was getting ready for work, it was interesting how I was subconsciously trying to relate to him before tripping because I have been wanting to deepen my relationship with him, and the lack of my relationship with him was something that was weighing on me during recent ketamine and MXE experiences.
At this point, I stop recording in my journal. I am beginning to trip quite hard. My heartbeat is elevated and I am nervous for my health because of 2C-T-7’s somewhat negative reputation. But I remind myself that the deaths were insufflated or combined with a serotonin releaser and that I was just being a hypochondriac. I relaxed at this point. I put in some ear plugs and attempted to navigate the inner space. I heard strange frequencies in my mind; frequencies that sound like what I might associate with aliens and their technology. I could see how excessive psychedelic use could indeed put people of a certain temperament into contact with “alien life”. My personal opinion is that we are witnessing a creative force that is beyond our ability to comprehend, and we attempt to comprehend it by giving it a name. Sometimes the frequencies were too intense and I had to open my eyes and come back into contact with reality. The frequencies were similar to the “brain zaps” I had while coming off of SSRIs. The frequencies very much reminded me of sounds and feelings I had when I was a child and was terrified of aliens. Overall, it was quite reminiscent of experiences I have had on DMT; even the color scheme, mostly dominated by light green, yellow, and black, was similar.
I am now in the peak. I think of my most recent love interest and how I mythologize her, even though I haven’t seen her in more than a year. This is a problem I have. I reserve a place in my psyche for an ideal female that I know I cannot attain. I am attracted to what can never be mine, and I would be willing to wager that this is a very common thing with humans (although I may be a bit more romantic/less realistic than most). I then realized it is a huge cosmic joke—she is also in love with a man whom she cannot have (as far as I know at least; this is actually pure speculation. Maybe they are still together and happy. Maybe these are more romantic tendencies flaring up). Then I realized that this is exactly what tragedy in literature and theater is: the desire for something that you cannot have. A banal realization—one that I would have been aware of intellectually while sober—but a visceral and immediate one. Afterwards, I thought of their visit to my house last summer and how awkward it was. A typical love triangle. However, as I reflected on the situation, I reached a peak experience wherein all of those tensions were eliminated; the visuals in the peak experience were reminiscent of the aforementioned alien colors and it was like the climax of a menage a trois occurred in my mind. Very therapeutic. Admittedly, I felt as if this novel mindstate was being probed or analyzed by an alien presence, although I remain skeptical.
I thought of another love interest: a beautiful professor at my school who is a sort of mentor. She is a philosophy professor specializing in ethics, and she serves as a sort of moral and law-giving role model. I suspect that this is how I viewed my mother when I was a child. I suppose I am also attracted to powerful females because I am a rather indecisive and weak-willed male. Anyway, the pupil-teacher relationship, even with teachers I am not attracted to, is interesting and is something I have thought deeply on before in the past. But, again, I digress.
I also had some thoughts about popular culture as the mythology of our time and the role of the internet in shaping our psyches and identities. I have been watching 30 Rock a lot lately, and a lot of the humor from that show was a theme for the trip. However, I noticed something disgusting as well. I am a white suburban male. I would certainly characterize myself as open to all races and a firm supporter of equality. However, during the trip, my mind would constantly speak in stereotypical voices: black personalities, Hispanic personalities, and gay personalities (to be fair, white personalities were included as well). This was disturbing to me. Why was my mind doing this when I had no control over it? Why do I think that racial stereotypes are funny? Why is race funny when I am completely not racist (or so I would like to think) while sober? I use the 30 Rock example because I was constantly saying things in a black voice that was reminiscent of Tracy Morgan’s character. 30 Rock plays with race in a funny and smart way, but why was my mind talking in this way? I know that Tracy Morgan is playing a character and that it does not reflect who Tracy Morgan is in real life. This was disconcerting and it is something I have to further analyze. Maybe I'm taking this too seriously and have a poor sense of humor.
+4:00 (approx.)
About four hours after I took the 2C-T-7 (6:00pm), I decided it was time to inject some ketamine. This was the cause of much trepidation and general distraction, because I don’t actually know that much about needles and injection. Anyway, I took an alcohol swab and sterilized my thigh and then cleaned the vial. It took me probably five minutes to measure out the dose because I was tripping so hard. I put in about 80ml. The first injection I thought I hit a vein; I hallucinated blood spurting out and thought that the ketamine already hit me and I was tripping super hard. Of course, in reality, no such thing happened and the ketamine was still in the syringe. I did it again and slowly pulled the plunger.
I lay back and the ketamine hit me hard. I then proceeded to undergo one of the strangest mindstates I have ever been in. My ego was slowly dissolved and I felt my sense of self become simply eliminated. I then witnessed the creation of the universe. Everything seemed backwards and in reverse and my imagination was having the strangest time of it all. I saw the most tripped out images that were similar to street art. One significant part occurred when I felt an absolute connection with the universe and felt the true significance and weight of the phrase tat tvam asi—that thou art. Profound and incredible. During that state my vision was what I might imagine a spider's vision to be like. I was seeing multiple viewpoints of the same environment simultaneously. I also felt that I was in a realm of playfulness where I was learning everything over again. I was God after She created the universe and I was interacting with it and playing with it and finding out what it was all about. I was relearning everything. I was at the center of what was either a molecule or a solar system (or both) and it was as if I could reach out and touch the small spheres that were orbiting me. These visuals had a transdimensional depth to them that was unreal and that I had only experienced once before on 2C-E to a far smaller degree.
I also felt the sort of wisdom that I associate with Alexander and Ann Shulgin and Albert Hofmann; a sense of wonder at and ease in the world even at an advanced age. A lack of ennui. I transcended gender and I was both male and female at once. This was liberating because sometimes on psychedelics I feel that I might be gay; however, I felt a perfect balance between my masculine and feminine qualities. An activation of the Self archetype as Jung might say. I then saw myself pass through a uterus and become born again. I also saw a representation of my family in which each of us was an organ. In order for the system to stay healthy, we each had to do our part; otherwise the system would fail. I also had the most incredible synthesia experience. I have had synthesia on other psychedelics, but this had a profundity that surpassed those other experiences. It was multifaceted and had many dimensions; it is hard for me to conceive of it while sober. The end of the experience was totally satisfying; it was as if I shared an orgasm with the universe. My breathing was hearty and deep.
The rest of the night devolved into pure hedonism. I took about 300ml (300mg) of ketamine in three separate injections, 100mg of MXE, and about 40mg of diazepam (it may have been more...I do not know). It is not something I wish to repeat. I am going to be more careful with those drugs; they are very seductive and I did not gain any insights from them, at least when I used them together and in excess. I have given them to a friend for a week so that I can clear my mind. I also attempted to smoke DMT, but my method was off and I was not close to breaking through. Had I not been on so much diazepam, I would not have tried to smoke DMT, but I was feeling…brave. However, I remember the DMT bringing back some transdimensional visuals. I fell asleep at around 3:00am, which was around the twelve hour mark. (It turns out that this is not true; I actually completely lost a day in a diazepam-induced blackout. I started tripping on Friday and I thought I woke up on Saturday, but it was actually Sunday. I was apparently cognizant on Saturday; I sent a few emails and texts that were coherent, but then I started doing ketamine again later that evening [I think]. It was a mindfuck trying to put things back together, and I will be far more careful with diazepam in the future. I am a bit ashamed that I was so reckless and I feel fortunate that my respiration was not depressed in a potentially harmful way.). I look forward to combining ketamine with other psychedelics (within reasonable doses) again.
Thank you so much for reading and may you and your family and friends be blessed in all areas of life.
Last edited: