2 months after an intense LSD trip

[lifeisbeautifulasf]

I started losing interest in my passions early on into high-school. It wasn't because i lost interest because i was starting to become apathetic or depressed, but because it was the end of the run just as many things in life. Change is bound it happen whether its physical or something mental/emotional. I have always lacked proper social skills, i have always been a little self-conscious of the way i looked, and i have definitely had many bad habits varying from gaming hours on end online in my room or chronically masturbating. I was never fully aware of my actions until now after my second LSD trip. To finish the story, senior year came around and i decided to make a few life changes realizing i was on the wrong path. So i bagged myself a cheerleader (a friend of mine now) that i dated for the remainder of the year along with hitting the gym. Things were looking up, but i still had a lot of work to do.


My girlfriend was to leave a day after graduation to serve in the military in a foreign country, so i was getting prepared for her to leave and it was difficult because she was so close to me and helped me get out of the slump i dug myself in throughout the years. We really felt a connection towards each other and tried a long distance. Long story short she didn't get into the military and is now in college half-way across the country from me, we talk but i've been hitting her up too much. While we were in the long distance (around July), my friend bought some tabs and we all decided to trip that night. I took two, being my first time, and also hoped that i wouldn't have an unpleasant/scary trip. But with the reassurance of my friends everything went smoothly and the trip itself was eye-opening.


I became so connected with nature and just the world itself. I loved my friends and became so connected with everyone including myself. My self-esteem sky rocketed and everything took a turn for the best. Its as if all the underlying insecurities/problems vanished and there i was feeling like a more happy and enriched person. I became more motivated, happier, all that fun stuff you get from a life-changing trip. But that didn't have an impact on my shitty life-routine and bad habits. Even though i was much happier and my relationship with everyone just became so much better i still fell into the same life style of not being disciplined.


Then a few weeks later, i decided to trip again. This time i was the only one tripping among my friends and we went out for a dinner. The trip was normal and i remembered the first parts where i was just seeing words/colors move and become more vivid. It was alright. But then while i was sitting the person in front of me asked me jokingly, 'who even are you'. Boy that fucked me up. It spiraled me down into overthinking like crazy and just believing i was going nuts. I became self-conscious as fuck and very observant of everything around me along with myself. I was too self-aware. I was freaking out, broke down crying, and the trip itself was horrible. I was convinced that i was never going to be the same again after that trip. My friends went home, dropped me off in my car and gave me some alcohol to help with the comedown and fall asleep. It helped a little, but what i saw from the trip itself is something that is traumatic.



Afterwards, and till this day, i feel empty inside. I feel disconnected to my surroundings/am just there. I can't really formulate my own opinions on things and i have become very absent-minded in that fact. Its even harder to fit in socially, and things just seem uneasy overall. Despite everything that i've told myself from its all in my head or that i need motivate myself, it doesn't work and i still feel indifferent. The love i had for myself and others is superficial now. I mean i do love myself and others, but everything i see/interact with feels uneasy. Its weird, and its affected my relationships/my overall self-esteem.



I know i need to improve myself and in where. I have a lot of work to do. But i don't know if i will ever feel the same again/not the way i am feeling now. Like i've said, it's been a few months since that traumatic experience. I'm at college now so its really important for me to get shit done. I don't know where to go from here.

 

[Cudi]

3 Months may seem like a long time to still be having some negative feelings about a bad trip that just happened, and I know it isn't the best answer, but give it more time. It took me several months after a life changing bad-trip to get all my shit back together. The thing at first that was the most difficult was accepting that I had changed. My mind was haunting itself with the thought of "you've changed and you know it". And at the time I didn't see it as good change. People even began noticing me act different in social situations. I stopped drinking. I stopped smoking because every time I did I would get flashbacks and have intense panic attacks which never occurred before I tripped (I'm referring to a crazy LSD trip nearly two years ago, I still have a post or two on my page about it). I have not touched a single psychedelic since then, that is how intense my experience was. It was my first time too. I had PTSD like symptoms for the next few months. I had extreme difficulty sleeping and I had this odd pressure in my head at all times which caused me to be a lot more flinchy and jumpy at loud noises and other things.

Basically, you need to integrate your experience. Look back and think to yourself why that specific question caused you to spiral downward. It may not be obvious at first and it might suck thinking back to the bad experience because it will give you bad feelings, but you should try. Also if you smoke pot I would recommend stopping for a while, same with drinking. It worked wonders on me. I can do all that stuff now without the panic attacks. My experiences with weed are even better now than before and I don't drink as much which I'm very thankful for. My horrible trip was the best blessing in disguise I could have ever received. Start thinking of the positive things that can come from this. Listen to good music and get good sleep. Slow your mind down and try your best not to overthink. Overthinking will wear you down unbelievably, trust me. It will get better man! That is something you have to believe. If you don't like some of your habits, give the best effort you have to make changes for the better. Learn to control your thoughts and not have them control you.

 

[lifeisbeautifulasf]

I'm sorry you went through this too it sounds pretty rough. I just wish to become normal again to the point where i'm not so focused on the trip anymore. It would be a blessing to forget about it as a whole but i'm not sure if that will ever happen. You say things will get better, but i don't fully understand how i can regain doing things subconsciously and not being 100% aware of it. Like i focus on every little aspect of everything now and have become too observant for my own good. Will this subside as in go away so i can start feeling like myself again? Or will this eventually become my new 'reality'? Someone mentioned that once i do regain my good, healthy mindset again and start working on myself that i should trip one more time under all the right circumstances. I don't know, its just tough right now. I feel unmotivated, jaded, and just lost to be quite honest.

 

[Cudi]

No you will certainly not keep focusing on it. You should eventually begin to feel like yourself again, but like I said, sobriety actually plays a huge role in this. I'm not sure what your substance use is looking like right now, but try going sober for some time. It will shed light on all kinds of things in your life and give you crystal clear thinking. Smoking in the weeks after my trip only put me right back at square 1, and drinking made me depressed for a while. But like I said I'm fine now and can do both and feel fine. I still have to smoke in moderation though otherwise I get way too paranoid and anxious. It seems like I am way more aware now than I ever was before my trip, which I picture as a good thing. I notice more things and seem to observe more things than other people, and I'm much better at controlling my thoughts now. I had a slight problem with depression before my trip that runs in my family, but that has subsided since after the trip two years ago and I really haven't had a problem with it since. It's actually pretty weird, psychs are incredible and we still don't know fully how they work their wonders

 

[psy997]

Yo, got your PM libasf.

In regards to asking whether you'll ever be unaware again, the answer is no. As Huxley said, once the doors of perception have been opened they can never be closed again. However, that doesn't mean that you are doomed to a life of self-doubt / all that you are going through right now. As Cudi said, it would be more than wise to take yourself back to when you were asked who you are by your friend. It seems to have sparked an existential crisis through a shattering of a previously held illusion of self. Of course I could be mistaken but this is what I'm getting from you. So why? Go back to that place emotionally and energetically, feel into it, and see what is there. This will not be an intellectual exercise. In fact your mind will do everything it can to distract you from doing so. Push through.

When it comes to practicality for living life, you already know what is necessary to overcome the challenges caused by such a new and complete awareness. To use an analogy, all shadow dissolves in the presence of light; all unconsciousness dissolves in the presence of awareness; all deceit dissolves in the presence of truth, so on and so forth. It is a fool's game to keep old habits in the light of new awareness. Change is necessary. Until it is implemented you will not be at peace. But, the peace you will find in living anew will be greater than all that you have ever felt before. This is not to say it will not be tough, it will be. It has taken me years of back and forth challenges in discipline and awareness of my own actions to reach where I am at now, and I still have much much farther to go. But the first step is just that, one step. All that you are now aware of that brings you suffering, make the choice to choose differently in the moments when you can. And even when you choose the old, be aware that you are doing so and what that means, without judgment. Slowly but surely you'll get to where you want to be. And it will be greater than anything you've ever experienced before.

Love and light to you my friend, life is infinitely beautiful and as you are an integral part of all that is, so are you

 

[Cudi]

Love that answer psy. Actually just got done reading Doors Of Perception just a couple weeks ago, great book indeed. Huxley was a very smart man. Probably something to do with all the psychedelics . And like he said, your life in the next couple years will only get better. You will only go up from here. The beauty of awareness

 

[lifeisbeautifulasf]

So why is 'ignorance is bliss' a thing? Personally I find life to be much more peaceful than blissful, purely because most of it is spent questioning anything that gives me bliss. But how does having such new awareness add more to your life in a good way?

For example, love is truly something beautiful. But now with my new awareness is makes it more difficult to relate to people and although i'm working on it, it feels as if i'm getting nowhere and that i am all alone at the end of the day. The only relationships that seem to be alright are the ones i had previously before my lsd trip. That is not to say that i can't make any friends or relate to anyone else, i guess i'm just rambling and this point and trying to come to a conclusion.

Your answer really touched me psy, i will continue improving myself in every aspect of my life that i can. Always. Thank you too cudi.


I will also remember to always be happy with my current limitations. Life is truly beautiful, as my name suggests, i just need to fully experience what bliss and happiness is on my own with my new awareness.

 

[psy997]

The answers to your questions will come, keep pondering

Onward and upward my brother