Advice I just don’t understand women sometimes. I love them but I don’t understand them.

[fastandbulbous]

She probably compares her body/looks to that of other, younger women, and comes up short. She wants to feel attractive. But generally something like this can’t be resolved by you; even if you had given her the answer she was hoping for, external validation only goes so far. She needs to find a way to validate HERSELF, to feel confident and comfortable in her own skin, despite her weight or her age. Not an easy thing to do, for a woman. Even when I was a hot young thing, I definitely felt fat and ugly all the time, and now when I look back, I realize I wasn’t. At all. This is a societal problem, not something that one man can fix.

What I would suggest you do is, flirt with her, complement her in subtle ways, and not just on her looks, either. Tell her that you value her, and you’re attracted to her. Both before she lost the weight, and now, and tell her you will still be attracted to her in 20 years from now. That her internal qualities are everything you’re looking for. Hopefully that will help. If not…nothing you do will make a difference. She’ll need to learn to find her own value.

My wife had borderline personality disorder, which I looked into and found it really about abandonment issues, so I made sure that she knew I adored her. Not every day, but regularly and she shone (I never knew how much until she died, but she knew I loved her). What cemented the deal in our case, was our 1st date, where the car hit a patch of diesel and water and we had to wait for the AA. She leaned over at one point, and in an almost whisper asked, "have you ever been sectioned?", I just casually replied, "god, yes". She said at that point everything just fell into place, because I had been honest about having psychiatric problems myself. Then I discovered we had very similar senses of humour and could make each other hurt through laughing. I used to joke she was like Mary Poppins, but a porno version. I miss her so much.

 

[xtcgrrrl]

My wife had borderline personality disorder, which I looked into and found it really about abandonment issues, so I made sure that she knew I adored her. Not every day, but regularly and she shone (I never knew how much until she died, but she knew I loved her). What cemented the deal in our case, was our 1st date, where the car hit a patch of diesel and water and we had to wait for the AA. She leaned over at one point, and in an almost whisper asked, "have you ever been sectioned?", I just casually replied, "god, yes". She said at that point everything just fell into place, because I had been honest about having psychiatric problems myself. Then I discovered we had very similar senses of humour and could make each other hurt through laughing. I used to joke she was like Mary Poppins, but a porno version. I miss her so much.

This is so beautiful and inspiring. I’ve had attachment issues before; in every relationship prior to my current one, I’ve been anxiously attached, or, worse, anxious-avoidant (also called disorganized attachment style.) this was a result of not just upbringing but choosing people who were strongly avoidant. In other words, if I made a bid for attention, I never knew how it would be received. I had one parent who is an emotional black hole and another around whom I would have to walk on eggshells for fear of her temper. And then I had abusive exes, so that was a whole other thing! However, with my current partner, I have a secure attachment. The key here is to CONSISTENTLY respond to each and every bid for attention. When that happens, the need for attention actually subsides. The anxious partner can feel sure that their significant other will always be there, so they don’t need to “check” as much. Usually women are the ones who are anxiously attached; there’s just so many expectations of us in today’s society, so many standards to live up to. Who WOULDNT occasionally feel the need for reassurance?! But sometimes men need reassurance, too. And loads of women these days are declaring that they’re happier single, just because dating and being in a relationship can be so stressful. But it doesn’t have to be. Just RESPOND when she needs you to. And if there’s a misunderstanding, hasten to clear it up, and not in a defensive way, either. Do these simple things and it’s (generally) smooth(er) sailing!

Also, having similar senses of humor is SO important. So is honesty. There’s so much in what you said that I relate to! It sounds like you were an amazing husband to her, and I’m sure she loved you very much. While it’s obvious to everyone that you miss her terribly, I do think she would want you to move on and to be happy.

 

[Neuroborean]

So, my girl asked me what I thought of her attractiveness on a 1-10 scale. We have been together for ten years. Well, I don’t know anybody at all that is their 40s that is a ten out of ten. I mean, I’m no George Clooney myself. We aren’t in our 20s anymore. I told her what I honestly thought. I gave her an 8.

I don’t really give anybody a 10 and physical attraction is just one part of attraction. There’s the personality/spiritual attraction which is so much more. Anyway, so obviously that didn’t go very well.

If I would have told her ten/ten she would have thought I was lying and been mad about that. I tell her the truth that I think she’s an 8/10 and I’m the bad guy. She went off on me screaming and shit, started crying, like WTF!

She won’t listen to reason. Why would you think you are a 10/10 and you are in your 40s and always complaining about how you hate the way you look. I try to make her feel better by telling her she’s pretty and beautiful, etc but today she wanted a number. I feel set up. If I would have lied then she would have been pissed and I tell her the truth and it’s a good number in my opinion and she’s beyond pissed. Texting me from work now and shit telling me she hates me and that she’s starving herself so she could be prettier for me. Like wtf! I didn’t ask for that. I told her she’s perfect just the way she is but doesn’t matter what I say. Telling me she’s been crying at her desk all day. Like wth is up?

I don’t get it. I’m a realist or at least I like to think so. And if I asked someone that I want the truth as long as it’s not like something ridiculously low. I just don’t get it. What’s wrong with an 8/10 especially when you are in your 40s.

Feels so dramatic. Do all women want to be lied to?

I just don’t get it. I really thought I was giving a compliment. And now home is going to be a cold place for a bit. She isn’t ever going to let this petty shit go.

I tried to fix it, but I just make it worse. I swear society has programmed a lot of women to think they need to be a skinny model with big tits and a big ass in order to have value. It’s fucked up.

Let’s be real. Geeze. I just don’t understand. What am I missing here? Am I being an asshole? I had good intentions. I really hate drama and this just feels so dramatic. Maybe I just don’t understand.

women are not realists
they like reality but not completely,
they prefer wishful thinking to feel better, I mean, if you know how to make them feel better, then reality it's a second layer, first is feeling/desire being fulfilled.
Not talking about ALL girls, but yeah, a lot of them.

 

[Neuroborean]

My wife had borderline personality disorder, which I looked into and found it really about abandonment issues, so I made sure that she knew I adored her. Not every day, but regularly and she shone (I never knew how much until she died, but she knew I loved her).

Specially BPDs, BPDs are very clearly not realists,
they mostly fear/despise reality and prefer to create idealistic expectations all around them.

 

[fastandbulbous]

This is so beautiful and inspiring. I’ve had attachment issues before; in every relationship prior to my current one, I’ve been anxiously attached, or, worse, anxious-avoidant (also called disorganized attachment style.) this was a result of not just upbringing but choosing people who were strongly avoidant. In other words, if I made a bid for attention, I never knew how it would be received. I had one parent who is an emotional black hole and another around whom I would have to walk on eggshells for fear of her temper. And then I had abusive exes, so that was a whole other thing! However, with my current partner, I have a secure attachment. The key here is to CONSISTENTLY respond to each and every bid for attention. When that happens, the need for attention actually subsides. The anxious partner can feel sure that their significant other will always be there, so they don’t need to “check” as much. Usually women are the ones who are anxiously attached; there’s just so many expectations of us in today’s society, so many standards to live up to. Who WOULDNT occasionally feel the need for reassurance?! But sometimes men need reassurance, too. And loads of women these days are declaring that they’re happier single, just because dating and being in a relationship can be so stressful. But it doesn’t have to be. Just RESPOND when she needs you to. And if there’s a misunderstanding, hasten to clear it up, and not in a defensive way, either. Do these simple things and it’s (generally) smooth(er) sailing!

Also, having similar senses of humor is SO important. So is honesty. There’s so much in what you said that I relate to! It sounds like you were an amazing husband to her, and I’m sure she loved you very much. While it’s obvious to everyone that you miss her terribly, I do think she would want you to move on and to be happy.

I had some AL-LAD and I actually got it, that she wouldn't want me to do a 'queen Victoria', but to enjoy the time she never got to.
Amazing husbands don't offer to cook a meal, then leave the kitchen looking like someone gave alcohol to wild hogs, then let them loose on the food!? I'd say I had my occasional moments, though!

 

[Illyria99]

Thanks all. Surprisingly, she was in a good mood when she got off work and we had a good night. Very surprised because normally this lasts for days.

She sounds like a Pisces or Cancer. I could be wrong, of course.....

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

So, my girl asked me what I thought of her attractiveness on a 1-10 scale. We have been together for ten years. Well, I don’t know anybody at all that is their 40s that is a ten out of ten. I mean, I’m no George Clooney myself. We aren’t in our 20s anymore. I told her what I honestly thought. I gave her an 8.

I don’t really give anybody a 10 and physical attraction is just one part of attraction. There’s the personality/spiritual attraction which is so much more. Anyway, so obviously that didn’t go very well.

If I would have told her ten/ten she would have thought I was lying and been mad about that. I tell her the truth that I think she’s an 8/10 and I’m the bad guy. She went off on me screaming and shit, started crying, like WTF!

She won’t listen to reason. Why would you think you are a 10/10 and you are in your 40s and always complaining about how you hate the way you look. I try to make her feel better by telling her she’s pretty and beautiful, etc but today she wanted a number. I feel set up. If I would have lied then she would have been pissed and I tell her the truth and it’s a good number in my opinion and she’s beyond pissed. Texting me from work now and shit telling me she hates me and that she’s starving herself so she could be prettier for me. Like wtf! I didn’t ask for that. I told her she’s perfect just the way she is but doesn’t matter what I say. Telling me she’s been crying at her desk all day. Like wth is up?

I don’t get it. I’m a realist or at least I like to think so. And if I asked someone that I want the truth as long as it’s not like something ridiculously low. I just don’t get it. What’s wrong with an 8/10 especially when you are in your 40s.

Feels so dramatic. Do all women want to be lied to?

I just don’t get it. I really thought I was giving a compliment. And now home is going to be a cold place for a bit. She isn’t ever going to let this petty shit go.

I tried to fix it, but I just make it worse. I swear society has programmed a lot of women to think they need to be a skinny model with big tits and a big ass in order to have value. It’s fucked up.

Let’s be real. Geeze. I just don’t understand. What am I missing here? Am I being an asshole? I had good intentions. I really hate drama and this just feels so dramatic. Maybe I just don’t understand.

Sounds like she needs therapy.
Not ALL women are like she is, btw.

I'm no expert and don't know much about your relationship, but you need to cut that shit loose. That's incredibly narcissistic and manipulative behaviour she's displaying.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

She sounds like a Pisces or Cancer. I could be wrong, of course.....

Oh, come on! Zodiac/Astrology isn't real. I mean, like it for fun all you want but it's scientifically proven to be 100% B.S.

 

[Illyria99]

Oh, come on! Zodiac/Astrology isn't real. I mean, like it for fun all you want but it's scientifically proven to be 100% B.S.

Nah, if you have your complete chart done, it's usually pretty accurate.

But to each his own.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

Nah, if you have your complete chart done, it's usually pretty accurate.

But to each his own.

It's not lol. The only reason people can relate to it is because it's deliberately extremely vague and because people who read that stuff WANT it to be true so they make connections in my minds.
It's literally impossible for the month you were born in to bare ANY effect on your personality.

 

[xtcgrrrl]

She sounds like a Pisces

As a Pisces, I resent that

 

[SoCal424]

Yeah. To be completely honest. I do love her very deeply, but I’m not usually happy in our relationship. But I have this like loyalty issue. Loyalty is very important to me and high on my value list. She has been very loyal to me despite her flaws and Lord knows I have plenty of my own. And I just feel like I owe her. And I can’t bare the thought of hurting her if I were to leave. It would break her heart. And she doesn’t have anybody else. No family. No one. And I’m not saying I want to leave. If I did though it would likely destroy her, quite literally. I’m just saying it’s crossed my mind at one point or another, but what relationships are perfect? She is very loyal and otherwise supportive and I have been happy recently. I am not ready to give up on it yet.

Things have been getting good until today. We have been laughing a lot and I had thought things had been going well. If this does end up not working out, I don’t think I’ll get into another relationship. They are far too much emotional/mental work.

She’s a very good, kind person. I just broke her trust so many times by relapsing in the past and sometimes I fear that the relationship is just too damaged to be repaired. And when she gets like this she throws up the past in my face even though it’s completely unrelated. I’m not innocent though. I lied when I had relapsed to hide it. I was ashamed and scared and so I did the cowardly thing and lied about it. But when she throws it up in my face just to get at me it makes me feel like guilty and I start dwelling on my regrets. It really sucks, but hey I did it.

I do have hope though that the relationship can become something great again.

Most everyone has thought about leaving at one low point or another - thinking maybe the grass is greener somewhere else, but the truth is that it’s greener wherever it is watered and taken care of. When you first met her, remember the little things you used to do for her to show love? Do you still do those things: like do a chore for her or bring her a little gift or flowers? Do you tell her she looks good? Remember those early days and try to recreate them for her. It won’t take long before she is doing them for you, and things could get really great between you too.

 

[xtcgrrrl]

Most everyone has thought about leaving at one low point or another - thinking maybe the grass is greener somewhere else, but the truth is that it’s greener wherever it is watered and taken care of. When you first met her, remember the little things you used to do for her to show love? Do you still do those things: like do a chore for her or bring her a little gift or flowers? Do you tell her she looks good? Remember those early days and try to recreate them for her. It won’t take long before she is doing them for you, and things could get really great between you too.

Exactly! You get what you give. But keeping that in mind, different people need different LEVELS of the same thing. You can’t give her the level of reassurance and comfort you need yourself and assume that will keep her happy and satisfied; for whatever reason, she may need a bit more than you’d need. Do you have to calibrate your reactions/responses to that individual person.

 

[Neuroborean]

Nah, if you have your complete chart done, it's usually pretty accurate.

But to each his own.

My complete chart was strangely accurate, I have to say. It's pretty scary how accurate it can get..
I won't say I believe on that, but I wouldn't just dismiss it as bullshit either.

 

[Neuroborean]

Most everyone has thought about leaving at one low point or another - thinking maybe the grass is greener somewhere else, but the truth is that it’s greener wherever it is watered and taken care of. When you first met her, remember the little things you used to do for her to show love? Do you still do those things: like do a chore for her or bring her a little gift or flowers? Do you tell her she looks good? Remember those early days and try to recreate them for her. It won’t take long before she is doing them for you, and things could get really great between you too.

But you know, if she's a BPD or a NPD those things doesn't work for them, basically.
They expectations of love are like an abyss, they only get bigger, deeper and more insatiable everytime...
They are like black holes of emotional greediness.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

But you know, if she's a BPD or a NPD those things doesn't work for them, basically.
They expectations of love are like an abyss, they only get bigger, deeper and more insatiable everytime...
They are like black holes of emotional greediness.

That's a very negative and harmful stereotype of people with BDP. This is why there's still a stigma around mental health and people are scared to get help or be open about it.

BPD is NOT the same as something like NPD or ASPD where the person is objectively toxic and harmful.

[Just to be clear with the acronyms because I've had people think BPD was Bipolar Disorder and also people think ASPD was Aspergers....BPD = Borderline Personality Disorder, ASPD = Anti-Social Personality DIsorder]

 

[Juicewrldfan]

That's a very negative and harmful stereotype of people with BDP. This is why there's still a stigma around mental health and people are scared to get help or be open about it.

BPD is NOT the same as something like NPD or ASPD where the person is objectively toxic and harmful.

[Just to be clear with the acronyms because I've had people think BPD was Bipolar Disorder and also people think ASPD was Aspergers....BPD = Borderline Personality Disorder, ASPD = Anti-Social Personality DIsorder]

Ok I’m going to sound like a politician here but oh well lol.

So I get what @nueroborean was trying to say. It is very challenging sometimes having relationships with people who have specific attachment styles that comes along with BPD and NPD.

BUT, one of my closest friends has BPD and they are an amazing person. It’s actually kind of sad how people develop BPD. It’s mostly due to pain experienced as a child that they didn’t know how to integrate and having insecure attachments with one or both carefully but that’s a very general and simplistic way of explaining it.

This doesn’t define people with BPD tho. Just like depression doesn’t define someone. Most comedians have depression or have had and they are still funny and probably fun to be around.

I just want to say that if you connect with someone who has BPD there can be a great relationship there. It may take compassion, commitment, patience, and the desire to understand, but what relationships don’t take that.

And then a lot of therapists these days are shying away from giving labels because we are learning that they are very limited in helping people. Mostly they are just good for billing insurance. Sometimes they are helpful for defining the best treatment approach but really that all comes down to so many different things. What’s helpful for one person with a diagnosis may not be helpful for the next.

As far as NPD goes, we’ll that gets harder, but they too can heal and change if they work towards it. And there’s different types of NPD. The important thing to remember here is that they are all people with just different challenges than we may have. And the ones that acknowledge they have an issue they need to address can change.

NPD is also much rarer than people think. I think the term gets thrown around way too much.

I get a little passionate about this because I was misdiagnosed with BPD and the treatment wasn’t helping and I noticed I didn’t have most of the symptoms they describe in the DSM. So I got a new therapist and years later she said that it’s C-PTSD not BPD. People really do get discriminated against that have BPD diagnosis. I experienced it firsthand so I get a little passionate about this subject.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

Ok I’m going to sound like a politician here but oh well lol.

So I get what @nueroborean was trying to say. It is very challenging sometimes having relationships with people who have specific attachment styles that comes along with BPD and NPD.

BUT, one of my closest friends has BPD and they are an amazing person. It’s actually kind of sad how people develop BPD. It’s mostly due to pain experienced as a child that they didn’t know how to integrate and having insecure attachments with one or both carefully but that’s a very general and simplistic way of explaining it.

This doesn’t define people with BPD tho. Just like depression doesn’t define someone. Most comedians have depression or have had and they are still funny and probably fun to be around.

I just want to say that if you connect with someone who has BPD there can be a great relationship there. It may take compassion, commitment, patience, and the desire to understand, but what relationships don’t take that.

And then a lot of therapists these days are shying away from giving labels because we are learning that they are very limited in helping people. Mostly they are just good for billing insurance. Sometimes they are helpful for defining the best treatment approach but really that all comes down to so many different things. What’s helpful for one person with a diagnosis may not be helpful for the next.

As far as NPD goes, we’ll that gets harder, but they too can heal and change if they work towards it. And there’s different types of NPD. The important thing to remember here is that they are all people with just different challenges than we may have. And the ones that acknowledge they have an issue they need to address can change.

NPD is also much rarer than people think. I think the term gets thrown around way too much.

I get a little passionate about this because I was misdiagnosed with BPD and the treatment wasn’t helping and I noticed I didn’t have most of the symptoms they describe in the DSM. So I got a new therapist and years later she said that it’s C-PTSD not BPD. People really do get discriminated against that have BPD diagnosis. I experienced it firsthand so I get a little passionate about this subject.

I have BPD (yes, due to severe childhood trauma/abuse) and the diagnosis alone fucks up how even medical professionals treat you.

Like, some psychs flat-out refuse to work with or treat us, and that's 100% based solely on the label, nothing to do with actual patients or individuals.
It's EXTREMELY hard to find a good doctor of any type. EVERYTHING you say or do comes down to "the patient has BPD so is obviously being manipulative". I legit had a doctor tell my parents "he's a VERY open and honest person........which is obviously a manipulation tactic"....even my dad (who doesn't like me.....I'm not shading him, he loves and has done a lot for me, but he openly admits while he loves me he absolutely does not like anything about me) was like "What the fuck, how can you interpret openness and truthfulness as manipulation?".
Conversely, afterwards, I was pretty closed off with medical professionals due to being sick of everything I said or did being twisted into something ugly, and the next doctor said "you tend to keep things to yourself and can be quite quiet and shy....which is clearly an attempt to manipulate me".
Like....urgghhhhh

 

[Juicewrldfan]

I have BPD (yes, due to severe childhood trauma/abuse) and the diagnosis alone fucks up how even medical professionals treat you.

Like, some psychs flat-out refuse to work with or treat us, and that's 100% based solely on the label, nothing to do with actual patients or individuals.
It's EXTREMELY hard to find a good doctor of any type. EVERYTHING you say or do comes down to "the patient has BPD so is obviously being manipulative". I legit had a doctor tell my parents "he's a VERY open and honest person........which is obviously a manipulation tactic"....even my dad (who doesn't like me.....I'm not shading him, he loves and has done a lot for me, but he openly admits while he loves me he absolutely does not like anything about me) was like "What the fuck, how can you interpret openness and truthfulness as manipulation?".
Conversely, afterwards, I was pretty closed off with medical professionals due to being sick of everything I said or did being twisted into something ugly, and the next doctor said "you tend to keep things to yourself and can be quite quiet and shy....which is clearly an attempt to manipulate me".
Like....urgghhhhh

There are good ones out there. Just have to sift thru the shit ones to find them. I don’t think psych meds are all that beneficial for ppl with personality disorders anyway…

I’m not a fan of psychiatry and only think it’s helpful with those with things like bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and maybe panic disorder. Most psychiatrists over prescribe and misdiagnose. Hell I was on 7 different meds at one time and none of them helped at all.

I quit psychiatry altogether and just work with a clinical therapist. This therapist has helped me alot. And I do self medicate with kratom so it’s not like I’m completely against all meds for mental illness. I just think that the current psychiatric practices are terrible. I mean how can you see someone fir 15 minutes and know so much about them right away especially when so many mental illnesses mimic each other’s symptoms.

And then I’ve found things like getting adequate sleep, good nutrition, exercise, improving my social health, and hobbies to help more than psych meds as well. That’s just my experience but hey if it works for the next person I’m happy for them. I was working with psychiatrists for years and nothing they did ever helped me.

 

[fastandbulbous]

I have what would probably be classed as a pathological dislike of psychiatrists (not psychologists with Ph.D. doctorate. They have been really helpful). My feeling is the most fucked up people with an MD become psychiatrists, trying to curethemselves. People that fucked up should not have the power to section someone and leave them with less rights than a lifer, in Frankland cat A prison.
I have experienced one, who I referred to as Veruca Salt and that was a kindly version.
One friend, a consultant pathologist, was originally going to go into psychiatry, but came to the conclusion that it was all just about keeping the nutters quiet (they get really pissed off when I've corrected them about the drugs they are prescribing: well especially from a scruffy long haired bastard, who openly admits drug use because of NHS inadequacies in treating certain conditions).

Actually, I have met one that I didn't take a dislike to, but he was employed by the insurance company, to assess if I had any PTSD type conditions after a road traffic accident. I was honest, told the truth that I wasn't damaged psychologically. He didn't get all pissy about my use of ketamine for phantom limb pain, if it was the only thing that fully worked. All the NHS ones classed me as a pathological drug user. I'll not deny it started that way, but after seeing how it was awful for my ex, that became purely medicinal (maybe 3 or 4 individual bouts of first dose being recreational, when I got a new batch, but that was it). Useless counts didn't listen to a word, yet you're supposed to trust them with your greatest problems: THEY were my greatest problem...