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So ive had pretty bad flashbacks the past 2 days or so. Im not getting it as frequebnt as i was but it still fucks. Does this shit fade with time at all?
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Mental Health Does PTSD fade with time?
- Thread starter paranoid android
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This is a long ass post but I am writing with 10 years of recovery from complex PTSD from being completely debilitated to not even recognising myself, and my trauma was physical, emotional, and sexual abuse from my sperm donor between ages 7-27
Yes! It absolutely does. The other poster is incorrect. With the proper treatment, PTSD, and even cPTSD (what I have) can significantly reduce in intensity.
I was originally diagnosed with PTSD in 2016 and did a 12 week trauma CPT group. At Christmas 2016 an even triggered my previously repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse to partially return, but I minimised the abuse and denied it.
Upon entering intensive outpatient, a trauma screening resulted in me being pulled aside individually by the treating psychologist who informed me that literally leaving the room instead of filling out the questions was a spectacular act of avoidance. I denied trauma, and he informed me if I didn't address it, I would never recover.
This psychologist explained that a crucial issue most people have when treating PTSD and cPTSD is that when you start treatment, your symptoms *immediately* exacerbate dramatically and worsen to the extent many people stop engaging. The key here is continuing to push through.
I had periods of time where I would not be able to leave the house without having a panic attack, or I'd have to change plans with friends I was supposed to have dinner out with and ask them to just come over for takeaway. I often slept at friends houses, and one of them had a habit of pretending I didn't disrupt him with my loud night time habits of yelling and shouting when I knew he got woken up as when I was awake myself, I could hear him watching videos on his phone. I asked him about it once and he told me 'you know I always tell you that you didn't wake me up even if you did, I don't want you feeling bad. You and sleeping problems are part and parcel and come as a deal, whatever you're dreaming about is far more unpleasant than me losing an hour sleep.' The truth was I often slept with him and other friends because I felt safer having a person between me and the entrance.
For around 6 months I actually could not sleep in my bed. I slept on the floor between my bed and wardrobe. It was the only way I felt safe and I kept getting flashbacks in the bed.
My friends all knew that I had to be given the seat which faced the door and this wasn't even a debate. I would become so heavily agitated if not given that seat that it was easier to just accommodate it. I can sit facing away from the door now.
I did months of exposure therapy where I wrote highly detailed accounts of the worst sexual abuse experiences, then had to read them aloud to my therapist. For most of them it took several attempts, initially resulting melting down and losing my shit.
In 2016-2017 if my then housemate even slightly pressed me about my dad, I would explosively fly off the handle at him. Swearing, pushing him around, punching walls, aggressive behaviour. By 2021 I was able to go for a walk with him one on one and disclose my entire trauma history to him.
In 2017 I met a friend at uni who picked up on my sexual abuse very fast due to some incidents. He also helped me get sober and when we met up to talk about some files he asked me what my childhood was like, then asked about emotional, physical, and finally sexual abuse. I froze up and felt an electric shock run through me and I managed to spit out 'im not allowed to talk about that' (which of course means yes, and it was a family member) before running to the bathroom and freaking out more until realising he already knew, and was just confirming it. He told me when I came back out that he would listen to me talk about that and believe me, and he constantly told me this over the following 5 years. In January 2018 I wrote him a letter after slipping on meth which I asked him to only open after I landed in Germany because I could not deal with the shame of being on the same continent when he read it and disclosed the barest of the abuse, for the first time ever. I did not disclose everything I remembered to him as I remembered it, I mainly discussed it with my therapist. However by early 2021 I asked him, alongside the previous friend and several others if they would be willing to hear my full disclose not just to dump the trauma, but to break a negative thought cycle I had.
The issue was my brain would tell me my friends thought I was disgusting.
I would say they didn't think that, which I know because they know about the abuse.
Then my brain would be a dick and say they didn't know about ALL of the abuse, and if they did they WOULD think that.
Solution? Tell friends, if they are willing (made sure they understood if they said no it was fine) and ask them to tell me after I disclose they don't think I'm disgusting.
This friend did everything right. He reassured me, told me what I needed to hear, believed and validated me and said I was one of the strongest people he ever met who tries to stop anyone else being negatively affected by the trauma he does what he can to keep his family happy (at the time I was still in contact with my dad).
I used to have violent nightmares, and it would take me 1-2 hours to get to sleep. I would constantly mutter and talk. I would thrash around. I do not get visual flashbacks due to aphantasia (inability to visualise) which I consider a blessing. What I do experience intense emotional flashbacks where I feel disgusting, dirty, repulsive, ashamed, and perverted.
My ability to trust people has been destroyed and I cannot tolerate lying.
I want to be close to people but I need to keep an arms length.
Due to the nature of my trauma being parental CSA, I have developed an extremely twisted and warped worldview and self view where because as a child my survival dependended on continuing to be able to view my dad as safe and providing of security, and I could not view him as responsible for the horrific crime, I turned it around on myself and made a reality where I deserved to be raped, molested, groomed, sexualised, sexually assaulted, etc, and what's more I was at fault, and to make it just a bit worse it morally correct that I am punished repeatedly for my behaviour.
Now, this served me well as a child to keep my sense of family together.
However it is TOXIC as an adult.
A suggestion I have, to start your journey which I did in around 219/2020 which a fantastic trauma informed social worker was to write out my most deeply held negative core beliefs in order of how strongly I believed them. Fair warning they're pretty grim but I'm saying them so you can see the progress I've made.
1. I deserved to be raped by my dad and it was all my fault
2. All my friends only want to be close to me to take advantage of me sexually.
3. If I let anyone get too close to me they will sexually exploit me
4. My only use in life is to be sexually used and dumped by men
So as you can see, I have experienced a lot of sexual trauma. When I wrote these beliefs out it would be fair to say I believed all of them, 100% all the time every single moment of every day. A friend actually when I mentioned doing the exercises and he found out what I truly thought about myself made a promise to text me every day telling me I didn't deserve it. Then I wrote up the exact opposite of those beliefs and I stuck it on my wall to see first thing in the morning.
Now? I still believe those things. But it's lower in intensity, and some days there's even some doubt. On great days I even actually blame my dad. But on shit days it is stronger than ever.
I did 6 years of psychology with a specialist clinical psychologist in developmental trauma, and my psychiatrist diagnosed me with cPTSD. I did another 12 week CPT group.
My biggest, most life changing breakthrough was stumbling across a 8 week men's group for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse, where trans men (such as myself, which is crucial as my trauma was magnified due to having my identity invalidated during the abuse) were welcome. I immediately signed up. Waited a month or too and got a call. Begged to be let into the group because as a trans man it could be my only choice. Did the group. Third week got a chance to disclose (this was in 2020 before I'd told any other human) and I spilled it to the other men, I told them everything and I begged them to understand I am a guy, even if my abuser considers me a girl and that it just made it worse. I was in tears at the end and dissociated. And one guy told me that he knew the exact pain I felt and for ONCE I knew he truly, truly understood. Not like my friends who said it must have been hard. These other men, they would say things about their lives and I would be like 'oh shit I do that too' I learnt so much, and I finally didn't feel completely alone. Another guy also had parents as perpetrators and he LIVED with them, which made me feel less shit about taking their money because the issue is when your parents are the abusers you often are financially dependent on them to pay for the therapy you need as a result of the abuse. You never escape. After the group finished I got invited to the monthly catch ups for anyone who had completed a previous group.
After getting my confidence up here and having people believe me completely, I told my great social worker, who stayed post session 45 min to listen to me and thanked me for sharing with him and trusting him. Told my clinical psychologist, and my Psychiatrist. Took me 2 years for the social worker but he was very good with trauma, 6 years psychologist and 5 years Psychiatrist. Then my friends.
Prior to treatment, I could not even have someone mention my dad before I exploded.
After years of extensive therapy, I am actually able to disclose in significant detail the events and experiences of my trauma.
I am out of practice a bit now and I think I would struggle sober, but I now know that talking about my abuse will not kill me or result in disaster.
I still see a free counsellor through a NGO funded by my state government for childhood sexual assault and he and I talk a lot about self punishment, self blame, and feeling at fault.
So all up, YES PTSD and cPTSD CAN get better and it is VERY treatable.
But it is HARD. You have to accept that you will get WAY worse and suffer a lot before seeing any improvement.
There is no 'better' time to start treating PTSD. Treatment will ALWAYS dysregulate you and make it seem like you took 5 steps back. Battling through it is key. Don't beat yourself up if you turn to old coping mechanisms. My Psychologist fully expected me to relapse with exposure therapy and simply asked me to write and read the accounts sober.
PTSD has several great treatments, like Cognitive Processing Therapy which is a form of CBT developed for PTSD. Also Trauma Focussed CBT, exposure therapy, narrative therapy, and the gold standard of EMDR which boasts a spectacular success rate of 80+% remission of standard PTSD.
CPTSD is much harder to treat and requires a longer term approach. I made a megathread for cPTSD and PTSD that I can find and link you for resources. It doesn't matter much if you have PTSD instead of CPTSD the treatment won't change much. The reverse is a bit different.
Do NOT give up! I PROMISE you that this shit gets better. My complex PTSD symptoms were so fucking excruciatingly bad in 2019 that I requested to check if I had a file from the department of child protection, as I had this insane belief that if there was no file, then I would tell everyone I made up being sexually abused for attention and to justify my drug use, I'm an awful person and a liar. But my complex PTSD would at least go away if that was the case.
I literally wanted to proclaim to friends that I decieved them about being a victim of sexual abuse to make the torment end.
Now, I ended up getting a file back, which I stupidly didn't plan for. And my last refuge of denial shattered that afternoon when I said there reading an email with a mandatory report made when I was a teenager which was basically the same exact story as I've always told. And the bar for making notification? It's fucking high. Not just a suspicion. A genuine belief.
Once I got that file I really got stuck into therapy and made some gains. I did loads of work on shame and trauma with Brendan my social worker, I talked a lot about feeling like did something to deserve it with my psychologist, and with the free counsellor I often discuss how I feel like a bad person.
If you don't already, get professional support. Not just a therapist, a trauma therapist who specialises in YOUR area of trauma. Look up peer help groups to see if you can find one like mine. Check out the resource thread I made. And Understand this, I cannot emphasise it enough, you CANNOT treat PTSD without making things worse before they improve. You have spent maybe YEARS using avoidance to not think about the trauma. Then you are being asked to start talking about the exact thing which causes you the most extreme fear.
I'm telling you, it FEELS more scary than it is. When my therapist asked me to read the events out, the first time I got 1/3 way through before going 'I NEED TO STOP' and him reassuring me it was safe and me going 'NO! IM NOT READING ANY MORE I WONT I WON'T' before fully dissociating, ears ringing, sweating, shaking, feeling sick. He stopped us there and then told me to leave whenever I felt more okay. The second time my brain actually could not comprehend the words. Like the letters weren't legible. Freaked out again. Third time I stumbled through partially freaking out.
But like, this thing that previously caused me to explode? I did it, and nothing much happened.
You need someone you feel *completely* safe with. Develop a strong therapeutic relationship. Ensure it will be ongoing. Without this it's impossible.
I know what I wrote was very long and I hope you managed to read all of it but I desperately want you to understand that you CAN get better. Don't be afriad to utilise free trauma counsellors, or services. Anything.
Do not listen to ANYONE who says you can't get better. You CAN and I am living fucking proof man. From being a huge who would physically attack any male who hugged him to actively accepting hugs from male friends after a long 'help Eli understand hugs from male friends are safe and non sexual' campaign. From being a guy who when told 'i love you man' for the first time from certain male friends responded with 'dont you fucking ever say that shit to me again' to eventually asking them to just keep saying it until he eventually said it in response. To a guy who isn't a victim anymore but a survivor.
Don't give up. Reach out if you need.
Yes! It absolutely does. The other poster is incorrect. With the proper treatment, PTSD, and even cPTSD (what I have) can significantly reduce in intensity.
I was originally diagnosed with PTSD in 2016 and did a 12 week trauma CPT group. At Christmas 2016 an even triggered my previously repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse to partially return, but I minimised the abuse and denied it.
Upon entering intensive outpatient, a trauma screening resulted in me being pulled aside individually by the treating psychologist who informed me that literally leaving the room instead of filling out the questions was a spectacular act of avoidance. I denied trauma, and he informed me if I didn't address it, I would never recover.
This psychologist explained that a crucial issue most people have when treating PTSD and cPTSD is that when you start treatment, your symptoms *immediately* exacerbate dramatically and worsen to the extent many people stop engaging. The key here is continuing to push through.
I had periods of time where I would not be able to leave the house without having a panic attack, or I'd have to change plans with friends I was supposed to have dinner out with and ask them to just come over for takeaway. I often slept at friends houses, and one of them had a habit of pretending I didn't disrupt him with my loud night time habits of yelling and shouting when I knew he got woken up as when I was awake myself, I could hear him watching videos on his phone. I asked him about it once and he told me 'you know I always tell you that you didn't wake me up even if you did, I don't want you feeling bad. You and sleeping problems are part and parcel and come as a deal, whatever you're dreaming about is far more unpleasant than me losing an hour sleep.' The truth was I often slept with him and other friends because I felt safer having a person between me and the entrance.
For around 6 months I actually could not sleep in my bed. I slept on the floor between my bed and wardrobe. It was the only way I felt safe and I kept getting flashbacks in the bed.
My friends all knew that I had to be given the seat which faced the door and this wasn't even a debate. I would become so heavily agitated if not given that seat that it was easier to just accommodate it. I can sit facing away from the door now.
I did months of exposure therapy where I wrote highly detailed accounts of the worst sexual abuse experiences, then had to read them aloud to my therapist. For most of them it took several attempts, initially resulting melting down and losing my shit.
In 2016-2017 if my then housemate even slightly pressed me about my dad, I would explosively fly off the handle at him. Swearing, pushing him around, punching walls, aggressive behaviour. By 2021 I was able to go for a walk with him one on one and disclose my entire trauma history to him.
In 2017 I met a friend at uni who picked up on my sexual abuse very fast due to some incidents. He also helped me get sober and when we met up to talk about some files he asked me what my childhood was like, then asked about emotional, physical, and finally sexual abuse. I froze up and felt an electric shock run through me and I managed to spit out 'im not allowed to talk about that' (which of course means yes, and it was a family member) before running to the bathroom and freaking out more until realising he already knew, and was just confirming it. He told me when I came back out that he would listen to me talk about that and believe me, and he constantly told me this over the following 5 years. In January 2018 I wrote him a letter after slipping on meth which I asked him to only open after I landed in Germany because I could not deal with the shame of being on the same continent when he read it and disclosed the barest of the abuse, for the first time ever. I did not disclose everything I remembered to him as I remembered it, I mainly discussed it with my therapist. However by early 2021 I asked him, alongside the previous friend and several others if they would be willing to hear my full disclose not just to dump the trauma, but to break a negative thought cycle I had.
The issue was my brain would tell me my friends thought I was disgusting.
I would say they didn't think that, which I know because they know about the abuse.
Then my brain would be a dick and say they didn't know about ALL of the abuse, and if they did they WOULD think that.
Solution? Tell friends, if they are willing (made sure they understood if they said no it was fine) and ask them to tell me after I disclose they don't think I'm disgusting.
This friend did everything right. He reassured me, told me what I needed to hear, believed and validated me and said I was one of the strongest people he ever met who tries to stop anyone else being negatively affected by the trauma he does what he can to keep his family happy (at the time I was still in contact with my dad).
I used to have violent nightmares, and it would take me 1-2 hours to get to sleep. I would constantly mutter and talk. I would thrash around. I do not get visual flashbacks due to aphantasia (inability to visualise) which I consider a blessing. What I do experience intense emotional flashbacks where I feel disgusting, dirty, repulsive, ashamed, and perverted.
My ability to trust people has been destroyed and I cannot tolerate lying.
I want to be close to people but I need to keep an arms length.
Due to the nature of my trauma being parental CSA, I have developed an extremely twisted and warped worldview and self view where because as a child my survival dependended on continuing to be able to view my dad as safe and providing of security, and I could not view him as responsible for the horrific crime, I turned it around on myself and made a reality where I deserved to be raped, molested, groomed, sexualised, sexually assaulted, etc, and what's more I was at fault, and to make it just a bit worse it morally correct that I am punished repeatedly for my behaviour.
Now, this served me well as a child to keep my sense of family together.
However it is TOXIC as an adult.
A suggestion I have, to start your journey which I did in around 219/2020 which a fantastic trauma informed social worker was to write out my most deeply held negative core beliefs in order of how strongly I believed them. Fair warning they're pretty grim but I'm saying them so you can see the progress I've made.
1. I deserved to be raped by my dad and it was all my fault
2. All my friends only want to be close to me to take advantage of me sexually.
3. If I let anyone get too close to me they will sexually exploit me
4. My only use in life is to be sexually used and dumped by men
So as you can see, I have experienced a lot of sexual trauma. When I wrote these beliefs out it would be fair to say I believed all of them, 100% all the time every single moment of every day. A friend actually when I mentioned doing the exercises and he found out what I truly thought about myself made a promise to text me every day telling me I didn't deserve it. Then I wrote up the exact opposite of those beliefs and I stuck it on my wall to see first thing in the morning.
Now? I still believe those things. But it's lower in intensity, and some days there's even some doubt. On great days I even actually blame my dad. But on shit days it is stronger than ever.
I did 6 years of psychology with a specialist clinical psychologist in developmental trauma, and my psychiatrist diagnosed me with cPTSD. I did another 12 week CPT group.
My biggest, most life changing breakthrough was stumbling across a 8 week men's group for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse, where trans men (such as myself, which is crucial as my trauma was magnified due to having my identity invalidated during the abuse) were welcome. I immediately signed up. Waited a month or too and got a call. Begged to be let into the group because as a trans man it could be my only choice. Did the group. Third week got a chance to disclose (this was in 2020 before I'd told any other human) and I spilled it to the other men, I told them everything and I begged them to understand I am a guy, even if my abuser considers me a girl and that it just made it worse. I was in tears at the end and dissociated. And one guy told me that he knew the exact pain I felt and for ONCE I knew he truly, truly understood. Not like my friends who said it must have been hard. These other men, they would say things about their lives and I would be like 'oh shit I do that too' I learnt so much, and I finally didn't feel completely alone. Another guy also had parents as perpetrators and he LIVED with them, which made me feel less shit about taking their money because the issue is when your parents are the abusers you often are financially dependent on them to pay for the therapy you need as a result of the abuse. You never escape. After the group finished I got invited to the monthly catch ups for anyone who had completed a previous group.
After getting my confidence up here and having people believe me completely, I told my great social worker, who stayed post session 45 min to listen to me and thanked me for sharing with him and trusting him. Told my clinical psychologist, and my Psychiatrist. Took me 2 years for the social worker but he was very good with trauma, 6 years psychologist and 5 years Psychiatrist. Then my friends.
Prior to treatment, I could not even have someone mention my dad before I exploded.
After years of extensive therapy, I am actually able to disclose in significant detail the events and experiences of my trauma.
I am out of practice a bit now and I think I would struggle sober, but I now know that talking about my abuse will not kill me or result in disaster.
I still see a free counsellor through a NGO funded by my state government for childhood sexual assault and he and I talk a lot about self punishment, self blame, and feeling at fault.
So all up, YES PTSD and cPTSD CAN get better and it is VERY treatable.
But it is HARD. You have to accept that you will get WAY worse and suffer a lot before seeing any improvement.
There is no 'better' time to start treating PTSD. Treatment will ALWAYS dysregulate you and make it seem like you took 5 steps back. Battling through it is key. Don't beat yourself up if you turn to old coping mechanisms. My Psychologist fully expected me to relapse with exposure therapy and simply asked me to write and read the accounts sober.
PTSD has several great treatments, like Cognitive Processing Therapy which is a form of CBT developed for PTSD. Also Trauma Focussed CBT, exposure therapy, narrative therapy, and the gold standard of EMDR which boasts a spectacular success rate of 80+% remission of standard PTSD.
CPTSD is much harder to treat and requires a longer term approach. I made a megathread for cPTSD and PTSD that I can find and link you for resources. It doesn't matter much if you have PTSD instead of CPTSD the treatment won't change much. The reverse is a bit different.
Do NOT give up! I PROMISE you that this shit gets better. My complex PTSD symptoms were so fucking excruciatingly bad in 2019 that I requested to check if I had a file from the department of child protection, as I had this insane belief that if there was no file, then I would tell everyone I made up being sexually abused for attention and to justify my drug use, I'm an awful person and a liar. But my complex PTSD would at least go away if that was the case.
I literally wanted to proclaim to friends that I decieved them about being a victim of sexual abuse to make the torment end.
Now, I ended up getting a file back, which I stupidly didn't plan for. And my last refuge of denial shattered that afternoon when I said there reading an email with a mandatory report made when I was a teenager which was basically the same exact story as I've always told. And the bar for making notification? It's fucking high. Not just a suspicion. A genuine belief.
Once I got that file I really got stuck into therapy and made some gains. I did loads of work on shame and trauma with Brendan my social worker, I talked a lot about feeling like did something to deserve it with my psychologist, and with the free counsellor I often discuss how I feel like a bad person.
If you don't already, get professional support. Not just a therapist, a trauma therapist who specialises in YOUR area of trauma. Look up peer help groups to see if you can find one like mine. Check out the resource thread I made. And Understand this, I cannot emphasise it enough, you CANNOT treat PTSD without making things worse before they improve. You have spent maybe YEARS using avoidance to not think about the trauma. Then you are being asked to start talking about the exact thing which causes you the most extreme fear.
I'm telling you, it FEELS more scary than it is. When my therapist asked me to read the events out, the first time I got 1/3 way through before going 'I NEED TO STOP' and him reassuring me it was safe and me going 'NO! IM NOT READING ANY MORE I WONT I WON'T' before fully dissociating, ears ringing, sweating, shaking, feeling sick. He stopped us there and then told me to leave whenever I felt more okay. The second time my brain actually could not comprehend the words. Like the letters weren't legible. Freaked out again. Third time I stumbled through partially freaking out.
But like, this thing that previously caused me to explode? I did it, and nothing much happened.
You need someone you feel *completely* safe with. Develop a strong therapeutic relationship. Ensure it will be ongoing. Without this it's impossible.
I know what I wrote was very long and I hope you managed to read all of it but I desperately want you to understand that you CAN get better. Don't be afriad to utilise free trauma counsellors, or services. Anything.
Do not listen to ANYONE who says you can't get better. You CAN and I am living fucking proof man. From being a huge who would physically attack any male who hugged him to actively accepting hugs from male friends after a long 'help Eli understand hugs from male friends are safe and non sexual' campaign. From being a guy who when told 'i love you man' for the first time from certain male friends responded with 'dont you fucking ever say that shit to me again' to eventually asking them to just keep saying it until he eventually said it in response. To a guy who isn't a victim anymore but a survivor.
Don't give up. Reach out if you need.
Nurse Ratched
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2021
- Messages
- 9,679
^ It may have been long BUT it was a great read. Congrats on your continuing recovery.
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2017
- Messages
- 1,428
I cannot sit here and watch someone be told that PTSD doesn't get better. My life is not even remotely the same. It was torment before and I would have shame attacks where I would sit in agony with my chest hurting and yelling silently.
Since going no contact I have seperate connected issues. But for the first time since being 7 my sperm donor is no longer able to sexually assault me.
A friend I'm not longer friends with literally helped me step by step and having a person who finally believed me changed my life.
What I lived through I know to some people is beyond belief. To me it's just normal. It's skewed my understanding of what is traumatic so much that when I was raped by two men on Grindr in two weeks I told my friend and he said 'uh, you didn't say yes that sounds rapey, and you said the other guy stealthed you. That's twice you've been raped in two weeks you need to talk to your therapist'
I spoke to my therapist and he asked how I felt about it, and I uttered a sentence I will never forget which was 'well, I suppose I should be thanking them both because they at least raped me as a guy, unlike my father' and my therapist stared at me and went 'that was undeniably the worst thing a patient has ever said to me. We need to talk about how much you being trans has contributed to your trauma.'
I would *never* say something like that anymore. That was me in the middle of severe trauma. I still struggle, day to day, but I haven't had nightmares for ages. I don't live in fear of my dad contacting me. I can talk to my support workers about my childhood.
Telling someone they can't recover is a fucking horrible thing to do, it may seem fucking impossible but I lived it, and I did it.
NEVER tell someone they cannot get better from PTSD.
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2017
- Messages
- 1,428
My drug use and my trauma are intricately connected. If I wake up in the morning and I am having a shit day where I blame myself for everything he did and more, and the urge to punish myself is flooding me it isn't just a desire. I genuinely feel like to correct the scales of justice I need to stick a syringe up my arm. It would be a crime not to.
Recovery for me is minimising how much damage I do to myself as a result of the trauma he inflicted. If I still use drugs occasionally, so be it. Sometimes I am choosing between finding a gun and blowing my brains out or shooting up meth. I'm comfortable with that, and I'll take criticism from another incest survivor but I honestly don't take much heed to people who don't know how completely soul destroying that trauma is telling me abstinence is the only way.
What I experienced literally caused my personality to split into seperate parts. Not alters, they're still me. One rational part which is detached from the trauma, and developed so that I could be present around my father growing up without any severe emotional response to ensure the status quo. This part of me does day to day things. Then there is the emotional part. The part which remembers the trauma. If someone pushes the rational part too hard, like lightning the emotional part takes over and it's like a different person.
I survived, but I didn't survive intact completely, however I have almost managed to integrate these two parts of me over time by blending them together.
People go wrong treating PTSD because they get worse and give up, or no one tells them they need SPECIALIST care. Childhood trauma requires DEVELOPMENTAL specialists.
Domestic violence requires an intimate partner psychologist.
Natural disaster needs their specialist.
People just get sent to *a* psychologist, who they don't trust, and then they Wonder why they never make progress.
lonelyDude
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2022
- Messages
- 743
yes for sure it does.
I suffer it and Eligiu is on the mark.
distraction was my key as ive said many times here.
to forgive is to keep the pain and still suffer compounding everything.
to forget and move on is the goal and time does wonderful things for this.
keep active and give your brain something to build on other than the trauma.
its a process but we get there my friend.
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2017
- Messages
- 1,428
To save you searching, here is the megathread. Please feel free to have a look at some resources, advice, experiences, and medications which may help you.
bluelight.org
It *is* directed towards PTSD but honestly as cPTSD is a more severe version of PTSD with additional symptoms, using the same treatment is acceptable.
Plus as I mentioned I was in fact originally misdiagnosed with ordinary PTSD, and only later was correctly diagnosed when I disclosed more.
There's some books in this thread you may find good like Pete Walkers 'from surviving to thriving' which literally gives you a handbook and toolkit for dealing with flashbacks. My friend got it for me. The author has cPTSD himself, it's very readable. And I would 100% suggest it as something to get to begin your journey
Mental Health - Complex PTSD Resource Thread
Hi everyone. I've noticed a distinct trend both on the forums and discord of people who are diagnosed with complex PTSD/complex trauma. Gabor Mate has a pretty solid point (I think) where he states that trauma is the gateway drug to addiction. I've been battling my cPTSD properly since 2016...
bluelight.org
It *is* directed towards PTSD but honestly as cPTSD is a more severe version of PTSD with additional symptoms, using the same treatment is acceptable.
Plus as I mentioned I was in fact originally misdiagnosed with ordinary PTSD, and only later was correctly diagnosed when I disclosed more.
There's some books in this thread you may find good like Pete Walkers 'from surviving to thriving' which literally gives you a handbook and toolkit for dealing with flashbacks. My friend got it for me. The author has cPTSD himself, it's very readable. And I would 100% suggest it as something to get to begin your journey
hylite
Ex-Bluelighter
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very ggod documentary . thnxxTo save you searching, here is the megathread. Please feel free to have a look at some resources, advice, experiences, and medications which may help you.
Mental Health - Complex PTSD Resource Thread
Hi everyone. I've noticed a distinct trend both on the forums and discord of people who are diagnosed with complex PTSD/complex trauma. Gabor Mate has a pretty solid point (I think) where he states that trauma is the gateway drug to addiction. I've been battling my cPTSD properly since 2016...
It *is* directed towards PTSD but honestly as cPTSD is a more severe version of PTSD with additional symptoms, using the same treatment is acceptable.
Plus as I mentioned I was in fact originally misdiagnosed with ordinary PTSD, and only later was correctly diagnosed when I disclosed more.
There's some books in this thread you may find good like Pete Walkers 'from surviving to thriving' which literally gives you a handbook and toolkit for dealing with flashbacks. My friend got it for me. The author has cPTSD himself, it's very readable. And I would 100% suggest it as something to get to begin your journey
Nurse Ratched
Bluelight Crew
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The member that said " No " only has one post under his membership so maybe he/she can read this thread and realize that there is hope for them as well.
Thanks for taking the time to write it and encourage others to seek help. We can never say that enough .
Thanks for taking the time to write it and encourage others to seek help. We can never say that enough .
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- Jul 8, 2017
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- 1,428
very ggod documentary . thnxx
I just, like PTSD is unique because to get better you MUST get worse and NO ONE wants to do that.
It truly is the only option though.
If you have a strong support network, friends who care, family who want to help, a good therapeutic relationship, the correct therapy.
Ugh like I am so ANGRY the first response to a person wanting to know if they have any hope was 'no' I felt fucking obligated to prove that if me, someone who lived through what many would consider one of the most traumatic things you can experience got better, then it IS possible.
Like I'm a little genuinely mad. I didn't come here to write a fucking thesis but I cannot allow someone to give up and suffer because another person told them the wrong answer.
Edit: @nirse ratched I HOPE that you are right. I am cynical and I viewed it as someone being completely negative. I would love for them to gain hope from what I wrote too, but I can't tell the tone of one word.
Nurse Ratched
Bluelight Crew
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Easy there Eli. It was ONE member with a one word answer who has had one post since he / she has been here. Might be a troll for all we know.
Don't let one word " no " make you mad or angry. Just dismiss the comment as they knew not from whence they spoke.
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That is why I added in the edit. I felt it dishonest to remove what I wrote, so I added in me reading it differently. It came off as cold and short to me, but after reading what you said I realised it could be different so added in the second part.
I just don't believe in removing things I've written because it shows I've changed my opinion. That is what I originally thought, the edit is what I now think
Removing stuff you've written to me is dishonest and what is know as a dirty delete. I'm bad at reading tone, even more so over written from. However when a second view is pointed out I can accept and see if for being possible.
However I am not so egotistical that I will erase my mistake to maintain a perfect facade. I'm only human. I would rather be known for adjusting my views when presented with alternative information, than wiping any trace of something negative I said because I want to be perceived as perfect. I'm not.
Nurse Ratched
Bluelight Crew
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I have only deleted one thing as well since i have been here because I said it in anger. All of my other posts stand as i wrote them.
We are alike in that respect.
I know why it kind of angered you as it triggered me as well. Kind of lame to just comment the one word without a reason why they felt that way or any other context. But then I realized that this is BL and it happens a lot and now I let it roll right off without giving it too much thought.
lonelyDude
Bluelighter
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check the date of register 
on the no reply
that person has been in the system for about 9 months.
interesting.
on the no reply
that person has been in the system for about 9 months.
interesting.
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- Jul 8, 2017
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- 1,428
I added this in to the post before you quoted it but my issue with deleting what I wrote is that it to me indicates that I care more about how I'm viewed than the reality of what I thought at the time.
I would much rather people see that I am willing to adapt and adjust my opinion when given an alternative view, given my autistic inability to interpret tone fucking *especially* over a written format, than erase any dumb shit rash remark I made.
Let the world see it, I'll own up to it and acknowledge I may have been wrong. I'd rather people know me for that, than perfection.
It obviously angered me. But I just didn't think to check the profile, so I immediately jumped to someone being discouraging. On reading your post I was more empathetic and decided that was a better approach.
But I still won't delete it just to make myself look better.