My natural sober self is just
soo fucking unbelievably shy. Well, that doesn't fully match. Over-cautious. I'm not even sure if I fully match the average social anxiety because ... as long as I knew somebody for a while and believe to know that this individual is benevolent (just had to translate this, not completely sure - maybe kind would fit too but there's an awful lot of fake kindness and I tend to be not too bad at spotting this, it's really not primarily about avoiding conflicts as it might appear, it's that I hate it to hurt others and hate it to be hurt, I spent years in a 'home' for weird children where I experienced heavy negligence and violence as well as bullying which continued through the whole school and was the reason I dropped out despite having very good marks.
Yeah, never had real friends either. The type of friend who fully stands behind you and you can trust in (almost) anything. Only borderline fake friends who either were nice when I was alone with them but too weak about groups so they went bullying in public, or others who came and went.
Long time I blamed myself, but also had some weird conflict buried very deep in my soul probably coming both from my shizo mother who couldn't really express love and notoriously acted different than she spoke or than her body language, and the fact that she always told me that I was the best and the others were bad people etc.. this created my own split reality where I only felt safe in my own four walls and was free food for social anxiety to grow wild I guess.
In hypomania it seems clear that it was circumstances and acquired (the latter probably is true) but that it'd just be me to feel comfortable about myself and do things I like and I'd attract the right people - which, too, appeared to be somewhat confirmed. Well, these 'right' people tend to go away when I can't maintain hypomania so there's something weird. They also tend to not fully understand what I mean with social anxiety and feel awkward about my sober self, or not want to talk about this stuff at all - of course, it
is awkward so I try not to speak too much about it but actions speak for themselves..
I don't have a problem with other cautious, anxious people as long as they aren't impulsive but I guess to have exactly this treat too. I try to cover it but the more sensible people will read my body language like an open bible. This is where the 'borderline' thingy comes in. Nobody likes this sort, especially not with men, and I was indeed raving about how much 'easier' girls have it etc.pp. but that's just ... no, it's not bullshit, but not the whole picture by far and especially it doesn't lead me to anywhere.
Yeah, again didn't really speak to/with anybody real now for a week or so, back then it was some girl in a smart shop, fuck that. Before it was a couple I knew from facebook, stayed with them for two and a half day and lost contact again cause the guy has no tolerance for my struggling, I didn't complain or cry about things but he himself has a past of struggling (she too but she, imo, does better at coping)..
I just don't know how to make friends, mean I get the concept, I see how others do it, but I fail because of crippling overwhelming anxiety. Plain anxiety, fear of refusal too but again I get the concept and I really don't expect anybody let alone all to like me, to be kind etc. or even less to like my personality treats but hell I manage to tell others in a friendly way if I need some time, want to be alone etc (at least I try it) and who likes rude behavior either?
I get it too that life is stressful and people aren't always chilled out or calm.
Anxiety's a bitch. Realize why so many people use ethanol for socializing but it doesn't work for me. Currently I'm out of dissociatives and this scares me, not that I'm out of them but how I am after just a few days without and that all attempts at therapy were catastrophic failures. I used to make friends with other people 'like me' and saw them moving on after some time but I failed. Then I got into DXM and things appeared to be fine, until I got other problems and/or run out.
Drugs aren't the solution for sure. They make a nice temporary fix that comes with an unknown price. Even now I am on a solid dose of kratom and some modafinil, need to get my ass up to buy more kratom later or I'm fucked. But really what's the solution if the anxiety and all is so bad that even the usual people in rehab or therapy write me off?
Online you don't see body language. Is it that? (Probably it is. I stay within my fucking comfort zone, and avoid the awkward stuff. This way it's easy. Indeed I dreamed about an avatar like world where I could hide my fucked up 'true' acquired self, not unlike dissos offer it - temporarily. But of course after some steps out of comfort zone I realize that I completely lack basic socialization skills. I'm basically an intelligent idiot.)
Sorry for wall of text
