well this thread is turning into a diary of my rehab. hey ho. i'm sitting here crying my eyes out listening to journey to the end of the east bay cos i remember when i was 16 my ex, we were together at the time, covering it with his band. he sang and played the bass and probably murdered it but i thought he was a fucking god. so massive nostalgia for a simpler time before i comprehensively destroyed him then myself. he came to visit today. i should have married him instead of choosing drugs.
my parents came too and wouldn't even buy me a fucking 60p chocolate bar cos apparently i have to learn to take no for an answer. i'm in a place with no chocolate bars or cake or any sugary stuff at all, no caffeine, no escape cos its the middle of nowhere. i've been accepting no as the fucking default. well except for stealing teabags from fellowship meetings, my ex brought me some today too so now i have enough for a cup of real tea every morning till i leave. what a fucking low. hiding stolen/contraband teabags.
it was difficult with my mum. its got me back to feeling hopeless and trapped and like i wanna die cos i can't go home without hating myself and my life, but i'm financially dependent on my parents, so i have to. all the future holds is fucking bleakness. i know that projection is useless, well worse, completely counterproductive, but when its right in your face on visits its hard not to.
i've learned so much here about why i am the way i am. but i'm still fucking me. crying cos i didn't get a fucking chocolate bar and for what should have been, and wrapped up in self pity cos i have to face the consequences of my actions.
glad you get it. and yeah you're probably right, that would explain the difference- as would being on clonazepam 3 times a day in the anorexia place. i'd do anything for that script right now. so i'm definitely not ready to leave.
thanks. and i truly hope so. i'm back to feeling utter despair and hopelessness.
yay!! glad it helped. i haven't had mine yet, s how did it go?