The thing is it's everything to me. The only antidepressant that ever worked. If I don't have it, I just stare at a wall crying until I get more. When I have it I focus on my career (getting it going again, so I will always have my fix), I practice yoga for hours each day, I try to find a new girl, I see family and friends and particularly my little bro... we are blood brothers, I go out whereas without heroin I barely leave my bed let alone my place, I pick up my guitar and record stuff as opposed to never taking it out of its case, I also have extreme chronic pain in my spine that I feel just the same as before I got on H all those years ago (and the original reason... I couldn't even walk at the time for more than a minute or two without having to lay down again), I also cook really healthy vegetarian food, keep super healthy like with all sorts of health supplements and I am a tea connoisseur.
Without heroin, I don't give a fuck. I never have, and I don't think I ever will. Without heroin, I am nothing. I am a worthless fuckin animal. I just fail to see the point of life and I can't work hard at anything, I'm useless as shit.
That makes it tough to quit, you see. Even after many years of daily use and all the money and the withdrawal hell it induces these days when I am in between career jobs and can't afford it, I still can't deny that the only time in my whole entire life that I've ever been functional is when I've had heroin. The suboxone will not help me stop heroin because it isn't addressing the emotional problems it's throwing them in my face... I would need therapy too. Heroin is my everything and I have devoted my life to it, for the sake that it enables me to live a normal life in all other respects when otherwise, I just can't.
I fail to see it as a bad thing when it's the only thing that has ever made me happy and functional. I've gotten straight A's in a university degree on H, held great jobs, had a great life. Without it everything really does fall apart. It even makes me lucky, and I've even experienced telepathy on it... it just has such a positive effect on me when I'm actively using. I wasn't right to begin with so when I quit now (I quit for 3 months last years... tapered and then freaked out in post-acute) like just FUCK IT i want to be normal and I don't give a fuck if it kills me 5 years down the road. I'd rather live 5 more years of happiness than live a lifetime of fucking misery and that's what the 15 years prior to my heroin use was like. At least I am happy now sometimes. I tried it at 23 and I am 29 now. I love it with all my heart. I was using the suboxone because I can't get my beloved heroin until Thursday and I'm trying to hold out and it sucks, I'm accomplishing nothing at all and just suffering.
Just editing this to say the bupe worked way better when I sniffed 2mg. When I took 8mg sublingually, it was at 21 hours so maybe that's why. But a wd symptom I get is excessive saliva (weird I know) so it made it really tough to take the drug sublingually. I ended up sniffing it and feel great. Time for bed, my opinion on this med has changed, but I'm going to continue using H for the meantime. I'd hate to use this daily.