newbie

[ruralgram]

I have looked at this site for months seeking information. Have joined because I like in an insanely rural area and am desperately seeking information from peers who have been there done that and lived to tell about it.

 

[Smoky]

Hi,
Welcome to the site. What brings you here? I started out the same way.

 

[ruralgram]

I am just a hot mess. I only took pain meds here and there over the years and only recreationally once in a while. I have ended up basically having them thrown at me by doctors. I have been on them for over two solid years. Taken at least one pill a day. Haven't had it out of my blood stream in two solid years but even prior to that took them pretty darn regular. I had trigeminal neuralgia so bad that I underwent brain surgery to correct it in 2010. Ended up having eight more brain surgeries and have a vp shunt. Anyway, if a person has issues like mine it scares doctors and they throw meds at you. It's a miracle I never overdosed. I have during a one month period been prescribed oxycodone, hyrdocodone, dilaudid, soma and Valium. I did not all that! But I dang sure took it. I have gotten a PCP who says he doesn't see me not needed the meds. He gives me 120 norco 10mg and 60 Valium 10mg. He also has me on blood pressure meds but I only take the. 2 clonodine when it gets crazy high. I take trazadone at night and have phenegren for nausea. Sorry about hitting you with all this. Anyway, for a while now I've been completely stressed about it all. If I get a csf headache I have to go to the er and get pumped full of dilaudid for sometimes a few hours sometimes I'm admitted and they slam me with it every three hours. This happens pretty often. To the point the damn hospital staff and doctors don't even hesitate. I walk in the door and have an in my arm in minutes. Unless it's not that bad. If I tell them try a shot first that works but have to take it early. I have gotten to wear it takes a huge amount of the norco for me to feel that fabulous buzz. Actually it takes at least 2 whatever's of dilaudid for me to get that rush I used to get. So I've been doing this binge taking of my pain meds. I get them filled, take an ass load then ration myself for three weeks. It's God awful! I would just as soon not take them and have a life again. They depress my sex drive so my husband is pissed because I don't want to participate anymore. But I don't want to talk to my doctor because I want to figure some way to manage this. Sometimes I wonder if it's all in my head. We moved to a very rural area right before my surgery and this is the first time in my life I've been stuck at home being a house wife. I was gone 11 hours a day with work and commute then bam. At the house with very little conversation other than with my hubs a lippy daughter and a three year old. Doctors offices, hospitals and occasional grocery shopping are my social life. I'm a hermit all month except for when I have a surplus of meds. I don't drink nor does my husband because we can't tolerate alcohol. So we smoke weed. We ironically met when I was bartending lol So please direct me my dear. I have been reading posts when I look up certain things about either getting high or withdrawals but just registered today in the hopes of finding someone to glean some knowledge from. I'm so dang isolated that the internet is turning out to be my bestie. There are so many long timers and people that are speaking in a lingo that I don't understand that I don't want to look like an ass. I need any pointers you have the time share. I really appreciate you taking the time to ask about my story

 

[ruralgram]

Jeez at the typos. Sorry. I'm on my phone typing all this.

 

[Smoky]

Hi, No problem at all. You have been through a tremendous amount of pain, as well as a major life transition from what I have read it seems. I use to bartend and had to stop due to my spine.

You are right, doctors don't know what to do and will keep throwing the opiates at you. One has to advocate for themselves of course, but you are in legitimate pain. Norco is not a very long acting opiate. Has your primary suggested something longer acting? These drugs can cause more harm than good in the long run for someone with chronic pain. I have chronic pain which was eventually worsened by my opiod dependency. They are meant to be prescribed for acute or short term pain only.

Have you tried anticonvulsants, or something like Lyrica or Gabapentin? This is a nerve (and muscle), related condition you have, yes? Do you feel like you are in somewhat remission from the underlying pain due to the surgeries at all? Please keep me posted. It's great you have this space to speak about your pain. You are not alone.

Here is the (HR) The Pain Management Mega Thread - for all your questions on … for starters. We also have the --- > (opioids) The Opioid Withdrawal Megathread and FAQ - Bluelight as you must be experiencing withdrawal…

Would you prefer I move this thread to The Dark Side or a Drug related forum? Both would be helpful I'm sure but can only move to one.

 

[ruralgram]

I actually spent a lot of time reading post in The Dark Side yesterday. I made an attempt to reply to a thread so I could find it and go back to it. Very similar to how I feel. If you think it it would be beneficial move me to the DS. And thank you for the links. I glanced at them and I see they are perfect for me and full of information. This site is a God send. I honestly thought it was a place people just talked about how too get high. Finding people who have been in my shoes and have made it through this hell and are finding themselves. I want to find my happy again. I want to be participating in life. Not sit here a ball of stress and consumed with fear. Is it okay for me to ask your story?

 

[Smoky]

Hi, good - you are familiar with it. I will go ahead and move it to that forum…. as not many respond in NMI

Of course it is okay to ask me. I still have yet to make a blog, but I'm almost a year off all opiates now, and as you say am participating in life again, although it's indeed a process. I was deep in ' hell ' myself and didn't know if I was going to make it. I am so grateful to be alive. I still have a lot of pain, had 2 spinal surgeries, might need another … but I cope better now.

I don't want to hog your thread so I just kept it brief, and can elaborate more in time for sure. Great to have you with us

 

[herbavore]

Hey, rural, welcome to TDS and the Recovery Forums. I think one of the greatest things we have to offer is a place to end the isolation so many people feel when they are going through this. Your story is both unique and similar to everyone's: you didn't set out to get addicted to anything!

It sounds like you have a lot of life challenges (isolation and going from being a career person to a housewife/stay at home mom) and that those need as much attention as your challenges with pain and pain meds. There are quite a few parents of young children on here so maybe we should start a virtual parent support group! I know back when I went from working to staying home it was quite an emotional adjustment but I was in a small city and there were lots of resources for me to connect with other moms. I know that's different in the country but I wonder if there is anything in your area?

 

[Carl Landrover]

It definitely seems like isolation has increased the problem. I know opiates make me more isolated and decreases my desire to be social (decreases my sex drive as well). Moving to a rural area and not working anymore probably has increased feelings of depression and created an increased desire to either use and get high or just be done with it. Either way it's a negative mind set to always have and will definitely make you feel more depressed.

I'm not sure what recommendations I have for you. I'm also not familiar with your condition. Have you tried reducing your pain meds? Not getting all the way off, at least not yet, but just getting to a lower dose? I don't know if it's too painful to do or not.

 

[ruralgram]

How wonderful to see messages! I had a busy day yesterday with my daughters here so I didn't get on BL. It was a good day. Then I wake up and it's Monday. And here I sit. I have come to my own conclusion that I think I have enough will power to stop but I'm terrified of wds. In my solitude I think I have blown this out of proportion in my mind. I can go weeks at a time taking only one or two a day. But then I will turn around every month when I get them filled and take way too many the first couple of days trying to feel a high I don't think I'm capable of ever feeling again. That feeling where you took one pill and the world was a more beautiful place. Back in the rookie days. Do any of you three wonderful people still take meds or are you completely off? I'm so ready to hear another's story. I have read tons in the forum but you never know how that person turned out. The threads just taper away it seems. I'm going to try going back to sleep albeit medicated sleep. Took a clonodine. BP was up. It makes me drowsy. I'm going to see when I get out of bed if coffee alone is enough to get me going. I usually take meds with my coffee everyday. Every single day at least one pill with my coffee. The only was I " feel it" is the mental satisfaction of taking that pill. It's like taking it soothes my mind? Lord I must sound like a whack job guys! Like I said....I'm just a hot mess.

 

[DixiChik]

Hey there...Aren't most of us a "hot mess" in one form or another?

I came to BL hoping for someone to share their experience/journey with the elusive "management" of pain. It seems there are no easy answers. I'm still asking. Feel free to research my threads/posts if you like.

I feel very ALONE too, and live in a rural area. I could use someone to talk to, yet don't feel like I belong ANYWHERE.

 

[cj]

Welcome! I'm sorry your going through all this, in the future if you could break your longer posts into paragraphs it will help us respond. But yeah I don't think your doctor is setting you up for overdose unless you take much more than prescribed. If your in pain and dependancy on opiates that's way different than being addiction. I suggest you research the differance between addiction and dependancy then asses where you fall.

 

[DixiChik]

Hey CJ...Not sure if your response was for Suzie or me, so forgive this greenhorn called DixiChik!

I need to be ADOPTED by a BL member.

I'm not doing so well on my own, quite frankly. I realize dependence is a different animal than addiction. But aren't both aspects dangerous in today's world of "center your chi" to ease your PAIN?

Doctors seem so afraid to prescribe due to DEA threats...My PM doctor is fearful as well. He knows that I need 4 hour dosing for Oxycodone, but cannot prescribe 120 per month.

This just all seems to be a CRAZY ride I don't want to board. My only choices seem to be a.) Continue suffering 24/7 without opiate b.) Say fuck it, and take as prescribed c.) Stretch a good rope...Happy Birthday to ME!

Thanks for listening to my babble. I need HELP!?!

 

[ruralgram]

Thank you all for the tips. I tend to get carried away on messages. Probably also a side effect of my isolation. Now.... how in the heck do you PM somebody? Sorry for my ignorance. I did manage to send some requests to add friends. Go me

 

[ruralgram]

Hey CJ...Not sure if your response was for Suzie or me, so forgive this greenhorn called DixiChik!

I need to be ADOPTED by a BL member.

I'm not doing so well on my own, quite frankly. I realize dependence is a different animal than addiction. But aren't both aspects dangerous in today's world of "center your chi" to ease your PAIN?

Doctors seem so afraid to prescribe due to DEA threats...My PM doctor is fearful as well. He knows that I need 4 hour dosing for Oxycodone, but cannot prescribe 120 per month.

This just all seems to be a CRAZY ride I don't want to board. My only choices seem to be a.) Continue suffering 24/7 without opiate b.) Say fuck it, and take as prescribed c.) Stretch a good rope...Happy Birthday to ME!

Thanks for listening to my babble. I need HELP!?!

I am a rookie too but I sent you a friend request since we are both kind of in the same boat

 

[ruralgram]

Thank you. Reading the other threads make me wonder why my in comparison small issue is so huge to me. All I have to do is not take a few pills. I'm down to less than 30 mgs a day. Should be a piece of cake right? Then why is it such a big ass deal to me?

 

[herbavore]

^because we are all different. Nothing good ever comes from comparing or trying to quantify pain. If it hurts, it hurts. If it's hard for you, it's hard.Though it is helpful to get perspective sometimes.

 

[DixiChik]

Herby...You are SO on point with "pain/suffering comparisons". It's not a contest. Whatever pain or difficulty one is experiencing, it is significant to impede their QOL.

My PM doctor told me when we met, "I do not treat pelvic pain, but I will treat your spine/joint pain. Pain is pain." Touche'...However, NO MAN can ever know true pelvic/vaginal/rectal pain caused by this evil disease that has ravaged my body. Sadly, NONE of my pain is relieved @ 1.5 years of med trials.

It helps to have someone to talk to.

I need that, too. I think it was Herby that once asked me about support IRL? Funny, but not...I AM the source of support for most everyone in my real life, be it moral, emotional or physical or financial. I am their ROCK, yet my needs get ROLLED. After all...I "don't look sick".

Ruralgram...I just saw your request. I'd love to have a friend who loves to chat. I'm not a 140 characters or less kinda gal. I utterly loathe texting (too small...too blind).

 

[ruralgram]

I'm the same way. I'm way too typative. I still can't figure out how to flarting pm though lol

 

[DixiChik]

Hey Ruralgram...Click on name of person you want to private message. Then select "message" and proceed. I "think" you are limited to the number/duration of time you message. Go ahead, try it now. I'm no expert, but I'll help if I can.