Read this thread with great interest, as I might be your 'ultimate guinea pig', having suffered from chronic, anergic depression for nearly 30 years now, following a head injury. Back then I was just stitched up and sent home, but there is srill a big dent in my skull, across the forward lobes. This depression failed to respond to any AD's at the time, except Parstelin, a long withdrawn MAOI. I was okay until that was denied me by an overly cautious (ignorant) GP, at which point I sank fast, and suffered badly, after turning to alcohol for relief from the misery.... ending up with pancreatitus at 27 which nearly cured me for good! Unfortunately, I lived on, alcohol free I hoped the depression would lift (having naively believed all the encouraging rubbish about 'it's a well known depressant!' and so on). No, plunged into depression again, so tired and weary, I was unable to work or do anything. At this point I had my Epiphany, when I decided to try some speed, bring dealt locally (pretty poor, 10% I'd guess?), but it did the trick, not only symptomatically beating my anergic exhaustion, but also lifting the mental depression. I managed to work, enough to keep myself in speed... just... about a gram a day, self medicating. Unreliable supplies cursed me however, and no medic, shrink or 'expert' would help - or put me back on Parstelin or any MAOI.
It couldn't last forever of course, and when money, speed and hope ran out, I decided to kill myself... but 'caught in the act' was finally sent to an NHS 'rehab outfit'. They couldn't or wouldn't help, but referred me to a Private Clinic, who prescribed me with 100mg Dexedrine a day.... and all went well for 14 years, until the counter price rose from £25/week to £180/week overnight - and that was the end of that. This time the NHS did help, but only prescribed a reducing dose for a year... and that was over long ago. I did try to kill myself this time, rather than face depression again - life really, seriously is NOT worth living in that state - but failed... and of course, as I knew and predicted, I was back to square one, deeply depressed, suicidal, but too wery and unmotivated even to do that.
I have only ever been treated as a 'Junkie' with an amphetamine addiction problem, never as someone who depends on a drug to have any quality of life... and here I am. Four years of pointless misery, half heartedly helped by a GP who I bullied into giving me Nardil (worked, but vile SFX) then Parnate (Trancyclopromine, bearable - but only 3/day way I need at least8/day! - by experiment). And then, this Xmas, just as I was at the point of giving up again, I discovered by sheer chance a source of good quality, affordable street speed, and (like Mad Max?) "Learned to live Again!".
I take it on top of the MAOI (tried one of the new 'safe' ones - no effect at all) Parstelin, after doing it 'clean' for a while, no dangerous or even discernible SFX - blood pressure high anyway, but well under control). I eat anything I want with MAOI's, makes no difference, only started taking them in the hope of reducing my amphetamine requirements... little difference.
Even though I have come back to life with gratitude and relief, the depression (which is untouched by all the 'SSR' rubbish) is still there, like a black dog stalking behind me, but I can outrun it.... for the moment. It is no way to live though, I am now 57 and the years have taken a toll... even though, by some quirk of nature, I still look 40.... when 'medicated' anyway. Something is clearly damaged or missing in my brain, as Ritalin has no effect... unless accompanied by amphetamine, I suppose there is nothing to save from being 'reuptaken'? MDMA worked on me like magic, but of couse, is no way out on a daily basis.
Quite honestly, I do not use drugs 'recreationally' much any more, long ago I felt no thrill or rush from speed in any dose, it just 'lifts' me high enough to stop being low, and that is all I really want. Shrinks seem to regard me with disbelief and fear strangely, I fit no pigeon hole, and 'have all the answers', which they dread.... a patient who knows more about neurology, pharmacology,anatomy and drugs is no 'patient' it seems, it is their worst nightmare! So, no 'legal' help anywhere it seems, not that I can afford... and I am condemned to being a criminal, because I suffer an illness. WEll, so be it!
In case you were curious, yes, there is more than a trace of bitterness here....
