I'm glad to see the Bluelight community is still going strong.
I have been looking forward to writing the following post for the last 3 years. I began suffering an MDMA-induced long term comedown after a reckless night at the end of 2011 where I nailed close to a gram in the space of an hour due to ignorance while drunk.
I posted my symptoms on Bluelight and received support from several members, including FBC, whose posts I found helpful, illuminating and terrifying in equal measure. After a few weeks I quit the forums, in the hope that ignoring my symptoms would break the anxiety loop and I would get better quickly (I didn't).
I remember well the day my depersonalisation kicked in, exactly four days after the roll. The world looked very different from that moment on.
Over the next few days I began experiencing all of the following:
- DP/DR (like being stuck in a dream)
- Changes in vision (strong sensitivity to light; shutter vision, as if time had slowed down)
- Persistent floaters in both eyes, flashes, negative afterimages
- Visual snow
- Head pressure - as if a vice was slowly squashing the right side of my brain
- Dizziness
- Headaches
- Tinnitus
- Lasting sleep maintenance insomnia; nightmares
- Brain zaps (only a few)
- Random bouts of pins and needles
- Depression (unpleasant, but I was able to keep functioning - i.e. not clinical depression)
- Anhedonia
- Brain fog
- Short-term memory problems
After 12 months of this I was still suffering many of the above symptoms, albeit at a significantly reduced level. One thing that I'm sure prolonged this was work-related stress and on many occasions I gave up all hope of complete recovery. Part of the issue was I had become fixated by studying my symptoms on a daily basis, and couldn't objectively see I'd actually made a huge amount of progress.
I'm glad to be able to say that my symptoms have reduced to the point of insignificance. I wouldn't say I'm at 100% all the time, but if I had to put a figure on it, I'd probably put it at 75-80% worst case (head pressure comes back when stress is up, hungover or skipping lots of sleep), but most of the time I'm 95-100%. For the better part of the last couple of years have been enjoying life just as much as I was before all this, and ultimately I think that's all that matters.
I still have trouble maintaining sleep during times of stress, and floaters can still be very distracting when driving, but I've grown so used to them I don't really care much any more.
The message I want to send out to everyone on here who is still suffering after a few weeks and starting to give up hope is YOU WILL GET BETTER. And most importantly you will enjoy life again, even if you still have lingering symptoms, as I have at times.
There is no panacea as far as I know. After reading a few horror stories I decided to avoid anti-depressants - they work well for some but I decided to err on the side of caution. I still went on the whole supplements merry-go-round (curcumin, gingko, acetyl-l-carnitine, fish oil, plus other stuff I can't even remember). This didn't do much for me, but it certainly didn't do any harm and was probably important psychologically to feel that I was taking action.
I also went on a short CBT hypnotherapy course at about 6 months. I think it helped a little, but I didn't really hit the sweet-spot – it takes a lot of practice to reap the benefits. Some people have had great results from CBT though, so I would urge anyone to give it ago.
Here's what definitely DID help get me through:
- Exercise. It gave temporary respite from head pressure (one of the worst things for me) and low mood. Specifically, I found press-ups better than anything else, but moderate-intensity cardio good too.
- Keeping up with friends. Force yourself to socialise even when it's hard. I tried to do something social every 1-2 weeks. I always felt the benefits of improved mood for a couple of days afterwards.
- A healthy diet (you know the drill: oily fish, fresh leafy greens, not too much crap). Don't go overboard - still have a bit of what you want.
- Avoid drugs and go easy on the alcohol. Personally I found a few beers helpful when socialising (3-4 pints max), but a hangover would always exacerbate symptoms the next day.
- Coffee. Many posters tell you to avoid stimulants, especially in the early stages of recovery. My advice is suck it and see. For me, coffee really helped reduce head pressure, although it would always creep back.
- Look at Bluelight, but not excessively. Some posts gave me renewed hope, others very much didn't.
I gave up hope of complete recovery at many points, especially around 9 months when I had a lot of work-related stress and I couldn't see the good progress I had made.
Stay strong, know you’re not alone, be patient, keep healthy, and keep going. Take it from someone who has been there: you WILL get through this.
Good luck!