Sitting here on 60mg of Vyvanse, taken 3.5 hours ago, wishing I was in a place where I could go to some electronic music event and dance or even just talk to people at a party.
I've fucked up my sleep schedule these past couple of days. Since I don't work tomorrow (rather today I guess), I'm staying up all night and then falling asleep early tomorrow (this I guess) evening.
But my god guys, I'm so wired I just want to blast Amtrac or Disclosure or any kind of house really and dance my ass off. But I can't because I'm living with my mom and her bf while I save money for Australia in January. But I guess if I was dancing with blasting music it'd make me wish other people were here even more. But yea, even if I could just talk to someone, that'd be great. I was at a friend's house watching a movie, Amber Alert, but he fell asleep and it was so intense emotionally that it was flustering me and causing me anxiety, so I had to leave. So now I'm sitting in my boxers, typing this to you all, talking to a British friend on facebook, wishing I could be doing something besides interacting with a machine.
Amber Alert is crazy, watch it, really good.
I guess my options for the night include more Neverwinter Nights, another video game possibly (but what could be better than NwN), reading more into Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, cigarettes, music, fucking around with my custom ROM on my phone, or writing verses/poetry/songs. I wish I had a guitar right now.
I saw a famous blues musician play just the other night, with a guitar and a harmonica, singing, along with a percussionist and harmonica player and it really resonated with me. Y'all probably saw my Are psychedelics worth it? post, and know I just got out of a relationship, and the music just really spoke to me. I actually teared up multiple times while listening, not because of thinking of her, but because it just caused this great deep emotion to boil out from within. Seeing, hearing, and feeling the experience created by three people playing instruments and singing was just too much. That even one man on the guitar and singing in a low voice could create such a sound and consequential emotion was absolutely incredible. I realized I want to be a part of that, of the group of people in this world that use nothing but their hands and voices to create such amazing sounds. But not just that, even though I'm an avid music lover, but the simple fact of creating something, let alone music. Creating....producing....
I recently completed a professional three day, in depth, aptitude test and was found to be of high imagination and creativity, of which is no surprise, but rather a reaffirming of something I'd almost let go mentally. I bring that up because I'm just reminded that I need to be creating things in my life. I cannot be just a consumer, in whatever terms. Now that I think of that, it actually takes me back to a trip where I had that exact thought, that I needed to start writing again, to start creating, producing things of artistic value. Leave something on this Earth from which I came and will return. Not just take from it to feed my energy, and leave memories with those around me, but to leave pieces of work, of media if you will, that others in whatever time and whatever place will be able to appreciate. Not because I want to be remembered, to "never die", but so that I can have a positive effect on those that come after, that I possibly could never have had an effect on.
I really am a great writer, the ability to express myself through words, of which I've inherited from my mother. My sister also, although she's honed her talents more. Back in high school I wrote rap verses occasionally, along with poems. It always felt so good when I was done, or even after the first line. The words just seem to pop up into my head as I read the previous line... I really need to start writing songs or verses again, shit... But during my aptitude testing, I also found out I have higher than average rhythm memory along with extremely (98th percentile) time discrimination. Which would lend itself handy if I'm to continue trying to rap, or rather write words to a cadence. All of this telling me, YES psy997! START WRITING AGAIN! GODDAMNIT CREATE! My loudness discrimination was in the 90th percentile and timbre discrimination in the 99th percentile, which I was told would be great for being a percussionist. My pitch discrimination was in the 24th percentile which also suggests drumming rather than an instrument or singing. But I feel like even though they call that an aptitude that cannot change, I could train my ear to determine pitch better. Plus even if I can't discriminate between a simple tone following another simple tone's pitch being slightly higher or lower, doesn't mean I won't be able to hear if I'm playing in tune. I feel like I've had enough experience listening to the whole of a musical piece, what your brain usually picks up on and determines is important + what I call the "outside" of the track while tripping and high to be able to tell anyways.
Basically, I just need to create poems, verses, music, or whatever you guys. My mom even said to me today when I mentioned this to her, that she can feel it when she's not writing (her preferred personal form of expression) and creating in doing so. That life feels more empty, meaningless, and depressing when she isn't creating new material from thoughts that never would have existed in the material world otherwise.
TL;DR BUT NOT REALLY: Wow, this really turned into a slice of me you guys, sorry if you don't want to read this or feel I'm trying to brag. I'm really not. I just started a post wanting to explain what I was doing, since I've never really taken part in these social threads, for shits and giggles. Which somehow (thanks amphetamines!) turned into me going on about the thoughts and feelings I've been having about my own life lately.
Thanks for reading if you did guys. I really needed this, it felt so good. I think I'm either going to start a personal blog just for me to record my thoughts now, that I can access on my computer, phone, or even web browser. Just so that I can get my thoughts out of my head and down somewhere, somewhere I can keep track of them and see how my actions affect my well-being. Since we all know how easy it is to persuade ourselves to do something we know is going to make us feel worse, or not do something to make us feel better (working out, writing, reading) because of how easy it is to forget the emotions that arise from doing these productive things.
